Monthly Archives: December 2009

Dear Rival Gang Leader Tom Logan: If You Ever Try to Take Over My High School Fortress-City, I Will Lob a Molotov Cocktail at You, Which Will Be My Only Recourse Since It’s Not Like I Can Go Tell My Mom, What With That Virus Wiping Out Everyone Over the Age of 12 and All

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TweetWhen I was a kid, I read this one book. Oh, all right, Sherlock Hemlock:  I read about 4,000 books. Approximately 3,800 of those reading experiences have fallen into the crevasse carved into my brain that night in college when I drank … Continue reading →

Postage-Free But Heartfelt

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Tweet  Dear Inhabitants of the Interwebs, You Slimy, Three-Eyed Beasts: At this reading, may you be sipping on something mulled, wearing something fuzzy, and not hating those around you.  What’s more:  may you have protein in your belly and a … Continue reading →

Although I Felt the Freak in Many Other Ways, There Was This Month in Seventh Grade When We Did Track in P.E. Class, and As It Turned Out, I Was Pretty Good at Standing Broad Jump and the 100-Yard Dash. Whenever I Feel Down, I Remember Out-Jumping and Out-Running All Those Cute Little Things Who Had Boyfriends, and Suddenly I’m Humming Again, Which Indicates That My Happiness Stems from a Place of ‘In-Your-Face, Bitches’

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Tweet  A few weeks ago, my sister sent me a book. I think she’s making up for all those years in childhood when she insisted a “slap fight” was actually a ”fun game” as she pinned me down and proved her superiority … Continue reading →