Month: March 2010

  • Ten Years Since the Blue Moon

    I beg the forbearance of my long-time readers with this post, as it’s a re-run (albeit updated) from three years ago. However, because it’s a personal favorite, I hope you’ll hang in there for a re-read…or perhaps for a first-time through. —————————————– “Ten Years Since the Blue Moon” I got engaged and pregnant on the […]

  • Call Me Scarecrow

      We’ve been busy at the bathroom whiteboard again. The other week, I posed the question, “If you could attach a new body part onto yourself, what would it be?” Before answering, I did consider a hand with a goblet growing out of it.  I also saw sense in attaching an arm that extends into […]

  • The Clock Struck Midnight, and My Every Dream Came True. For, Like, a Day.

    You know how it’s impossible to guess Susan Lucci’s age–unless you look at her neck? And then you gasp and declare, “Why look at those deep grooves!  Say there, you well-preserved soap sprite, you’re holding up nicely–but maybe wear a scarf, eh?” This is not a judgment.  Personally, I’ve not only got some grooves but also […]

  • Heavens to Mergatroyd!

    The vast spaces of Montana obviate concern about driving distances. It is only in recent times, thanks to a meddling federal government, that Montana even has a speed limit; previously, the policy was a more libertarian “be prudent and reasonable,” which is exactly the kind of phrasing that filled this impetuous, irrational redhead filled with […]

  • Child’s Pose

      Admit it. When we were young, we had ideas about the future: “I’ll never be old like those dorks” “I can’t wait to live in a mansion” “I’m planning to harness ambition and power to make an impact in the world” “I can’t wait to drink legally” ———————— And now, here I am, in my […]

  • Don’t Even Bother with a Tickle-Me-Elmo

    You better believe we can drive to Target blindfolded. What’s more, we’re members of The Birthday Club at the independent toy store. We’ve rocked Goodwill. We know how to hit the “pre-sale” at local garage sales. In short, we know where to find Playmobil sphinxes; robots with remote controls; board games for learning geography; scooters for knee skinning; […]

  • Also, Both Kids Have New Teeth Growing In

      My college is on Spring Break. Ergo, it is rainy, grey, drizzly, and miserable outside–the kind of days where we have the lights on even at 10 a.m. since there’s not enough natural light coming in to keep us from tripping over toys on the floor. Another key element to any Spring Break worth […]

  • Seven Miles and a Side of Ketchup

    The beauty of my husband is that, in addition to accepting my quirks, he comes up with ideas as to how I can bump them to the next level. A couple of months ago, for instance, I was thumping around the house one afternoon, kvetching about how Jocelyn’s Perfect Storm coalesces when free time for exercise […]

  • I Think I Need a Good Plucking. I Said PLUCKING, You Guttermind.

    In seventh grade, I played flute, piano, and bassoon.  I took ballet and modern dance several days a week after school.  I sang in the children’s community choir. Simultaneously, in seventh grade, I believed KC and the Sunshine Band had created something revolutionary with their “Boogie Shoes.”  I thought Shields and Yarnell redefined the boundaries of […]

  • Well, Jane, It Just Goes to Show You, It’s Always Something

    Remember how Gilda Radner used to play Roseanne Roseannadanna on Saturday Night Live?  Even if you’re too young to remember it, maybe you could humor me and use your incredibly taut and pert breasts to type out a comment of, “Yes, Jocelyn, I do remember Gilda Radner playing that character. She was very fubby.”  (see, you mis-type […]