Junior’s Cause/Effect Essay

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37 Responses

  1. furiousBall says:

    When I recently saw Elvis Costello, he had all his guitar cable plugs wrapped with some sort of magnetic band, during guitar changes, he’d unplug and whip the cord onto this metal music stand, put the new guitar on and then retrieve it. So I’m thinking magnetic band around the cup and metal bandoliers…that would rock. You could have like shot glasses in an X formation on you. That’s got to be a better job than letting your baby play with a cobra right?

  2. Jeannie says:

    oooooo – I definitely will need one of those holsters. Maybe a couple – one casual and one formal. My children were not scarred by my evening beverage choices because I wasn’t drinking so much then. This is a more recent accessory I have acquired since their later teen years. It is nice that they occasionally join me. Matching accessories are kinda fun sometimes.
    And he will definitely deserve an A. However, get film with sound of the “truth” to protect yourself in court when he writes his version of Mommy Dearest.

  3. mist1 says:

    Do you use glassware or a coozie to coordinate with your jammies or robe or slippers? Because if you don’t, you should seriously consider it. It’s all about drinking stylishly.

  4. Theresa says:

    My hand raises glass in a toast to Niblet’s future as a brilliant novelist. “Pa’ arriba, pa’ abajo, pa’l centro y pa’ adentro” as they say here.

  5. Voyager says:

    I humbly hand over my reign as the rationalization queen. You are clearly far better suited for the tile. Well done.

  6. lime says:

    i raise my glass (of wine or whiskey, or perhaps a bottle of cider, not being a fan of cider and long ago having sworn off vodka due to the nasty after effects of swallowing copious amounts of jocelyn’s third leg….and may i say that is some hellacious imagery there!) and give a hand to…the hand! bravo!

  7. Voyager says:

    I meant title of course. Not that you wouldn’t look good on a tile.

  8. Claire says:

    Good job Hand!
    Trust me, when Niblet is writing anything as a freshman, he won’t want to use the words ‘naked’ and ‘my mother’ in the same composition or even, I think, paragraph.
    Way. Too. Embarrassing.

  9. Shari says:

    He’ll do you proud and dress up his essay with such clarity…such a vivid picture of Mommy-turned-monster chasing him through the house. Of course, he will omit some details, like getting caught by the Monster and being so scared he wet his pants…oops, no pants…I mean, made a puddle on the floor.

  10. jen says:

    Cheers, friend. A big cheers to you.

    I too, perform bedtime functions with a glass of red in hand. if we aren’t rebels, i don’t know who is…(ahem. kidding)

  11. Logophile says:

    My parents deprived me in so many ways.
    I have no beer stories of trauma, dammit.
    Oh well, we all find a way to suffer.

  12. my4kids says:

    I’m sure the kids will have plenty of stories that come out a little strange about Dad and his beer. Mom doesn’t really drink at home as I prefer to do that at the bar when I can have someone else mix my “sex on the beach” (my fav drink) since I’m not much of a bartender myself.

  13. Jazz says:

    I wish you’d been my mom…

    Will you adopt me?

    Rather than reading me a story, we can share a glass of wine at bedtime.

  14. That Chick Over There says:

    I’ll try hard to find a way to fit “Jocelyn’s third leg” into my blog.

    Thank you.

  15. Diesel says:

    Sometimes I think I don’t torment my children enough. Although I think that making references to my “third leg” would probably scar them for life.

  16. Lee says:

    Lee’s Third Leg didn’t quite affect her balance the way she thought it would.

  17. Princess of the Universe says:

    You’re a great Mom- it’s wonderful the way you’re planning ahead for your children’s future.

    Thanks for stopping by my blog!

  18. CS says:

    Not only that,but you are helping to maintain my profession. Thanks!!

  19. Em says:

    Very funny stuff. I love how you are always about the education. 🙂

  20. Infinitesimal says:

    “I had the kind of cottonmouth that morning, during the Long Walk of Shame back to my apartment, that only comes from having swallowed copious amounts of Jocelyn’s Third Leg the night before…”

    this comment takes on whole new meaning if applied to certain neighborhoods in NYC or San Fran, where Pre-op trannys are wont to hang out….

  21. yerdoingitwrong says:


  22. Diana says:

    I loves you, really-really.

    The tucking in of the small ones goes ever-so-much easier if Hand has a beer, glass of wine, or (my personal 3rd leg: a tot of brandy) in it. A relaxed mom is a good monster with rotting teeth. A stressed mom is a true monster, which would be properly memorialized in such a theme as you outlined.

    Plus, there are so very many lovely types of craft beers and bottles of wine out there. It would be a crying shame (not to mention a crime) if we just ignored them. Sort of like walking closed-eyed past a Picasso, yes?

  23. susan says:

    Oh what have I done? I can’t help but wonder if my children will ever forgive me for not having Jocelyn’s Third Leg with me when I put them to bed. I simply didn’t know back then…

  24. Wizened Wizard says:

    My opinions never being in the majority camp… I want you to promise yourself that if you and Hand ever decide that there’s no reason why you shouldn’t up your nightly intake to TWO of the favored beverages, you will talk with your doctor about the idea.

    I’d really like Junior’s Cause/Effect essay to stay funny.

  25. urban-urchin says:

    after my evening I am never. drinking. again.

  26. Mother of Invention says:

    Yes, that memory will no doubt serve him well in some capacity, wholesome or not.
    My massage therapist has a belt she wears while massaging which holds her bottle of oil that strangely enough, is the exact same size as a beer. Next time I see her leave for home with this still firmly fastened to her waist, I must remember to ask about its alternative “Medicinal Purpose” functions! I’ll send you the product info!

  27. Pendullum says:

    I raise my bottle in your general direction…

  28. Dorky Dad says:

    OK, that’s just fricking hilarious.

    I think you should put the vodka in a paper bag for effect.

  29. Deepak Gopi says:

    My favorite beverage is tea,i drink 12 glasses of it in a day.I palan to reduce consumption of it to 8 glasses.
    I really enjoyed your post.
    Thnx for visiting my blog.

  30. tracey says:

    You are most definitely well on your way to becoming the next Mommy Dearest, Jocelyn! Cheers!

  31. choochoo says:

    My accessory these days is strawberry milk. Again…

  32. velvet girl says:

    Yeah for beer at bedtime!

    And don’t worry, I’m sure that there will be many more opportunities for scarring than a beer drinking monster mommy. After all, a parent just existing during the teenage years seems to be enough.

  33. julie says:

    OMG. So, you mean it’s OK to drink while you’re putting your kids to bed?! Wow. You’re my hero.

  34. Phoenix says:

    Good GAWD I wanna be YOU when I grow up… or tonight whichever comes first.

    Don’t think that I could chase with a wine glass in my hand though and I dont like beer so coolers it is!

  35. Trouble says:

    OMFG…i love it when I encounter other parents of my ilk. It’s so affirming!

  36. Glamourpuss says:

    Mild. Try genunine cruelty and he will write a best-selling memoir and you can retire on the royalties. Best tell him he’s adopted as well. These things shouldn’t be left to chance.


  37. Paulo says:

    Nice Blog.I live in Portugal.Im 10 years old.

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