Paging Ms. Chandelier…Mr. Crystal Chandelier. Your Prescription Is Ready

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35 Responses

  1. kimber the wolfgrrrl says:

    oh. my. god. I had to read this aloud to my husband, and both of us are still grinning.

    He has just informed me that he will rename me “Isis Juggernaut” because I am like a goddess, and I’m built solid.

    I think I might pee myself…. man, I love him.

    *on floor laughing*

  2. geewits says:

    How old are your students?!? That was crazy stuff. Even weirder was my Mom and I had a long conversation on Monday about the importance of names. So we were thinking the same stuff. My name always made me feel special because although it has become rather common now, it was not when I was a child. People always said, “What a pretty name!” and one day I realized that all the Susans and Cindys and Cathys and Marys never got to hear that. Then I named my daughter an old-fashioned name when everyone was doing the Brittney, Courtney and Jessica thing, thinking it would be unique, but NO, there were a trillion of them at her school! Names are tough!

    Laffy d’Pup

  3. AmyTree says:

    “I could drink my own name”. That is amazing logic…
    It’s an interesting exercise – my own ‘real’ name is pretty but doesn’t have a history – my parents just agreed on it. Amy Tree is the name of a village in Cornwall that we drove past many, many times while the guinea pigs were living with friends – it just kind of stuck. 🙂

  4. furiousBall says:

    did you know there was a running back for the Eagles in the early 90s named Siran Stacy. His first name was (this is true) a mispelling of Saran Warp. Sadly, (I just found out by using The Google) he was in a horrible auto accident last week, his wife and four of his children were all killed.

    boy, usually my comments are kinda funny…

  5. lime says:

    oh my stars. that is frightening. i agree with you on the importance of names though. i carefully considered the name for each of my children. mr. lime and i wanted names that were not common but not weird, and names that imparted our hopes for the kind of character each child would develop and reflect. in case they decided they hated their first names we gave them unadorned, standard middle names.

    god decided to show his great sense of irony with our first one. her names means gentleness. she is a raging, dictatorial child who is no respecter of persons and whose utmost concern is with winning every argument.

    terrible names of people i have met…
    dick ball
    dick shook
    justin case

    funniest named person i ever met…
    korean law student named sue yoo, perhaps she was destined.

  6. Diana says:

    Now I really am afraid. But do you think the youth of China are any better? I’m going to scout property in Antartica, personally.

    My favorite cringe-worthy name? A boy named Precious Darling. He goes by “Presh”. Fortunately for him, he’s not a small child and can take down anyone who messes with him.

  7. Palm Springs Savant says:

    Seemore Butts. love it. good post!

  8. Her Grace says:

    Yes, but has he actually tried Jagermiester? Because he may want to do that before he heads to the courthouse for his name-changing ceremony.

    I heard a story when I was still teaching that I never believed to be true, but now I’m not so sure. A mom named her child “Nosmoking” (NAH-sma-king) because the first thing she saw after birth was a No smoking sign.

  9. Tai says:

    And lest we forget the race car driver, Dick Trickle.

    I was lucky. My ‘name’ is rather uninteresting, but I’ve been known as Tai (prounounced TAY) since I was about 12.
    I made it up. It stuck. I answer it more readily than my ‘real’ name.
    But I really feel for LaMonjallo, man. That sucks.

  10. Jazz says:

    Wow. That’s scary. They’ll have us wishing for a Dubbya. Now that’s a scary thought.

  11. cathy says:

    When I was a child I wanted to be called Fiona. I’m obviously not leader material.

  12. Jeannie says:

    I never thought about the drink thing – had a friend who’s last name was Blue. And I think he drank Labatt’s Blue. And we never once made the connection. Or maybe he drank 50. dunno now.

    My sister told me years ago that she was changing her name after her divorce. I asked her to what? She thought I was kidding.

  13. CS says:

    That Lemonjello story is one enduring bit of apocrypha.

    But this was funny timing – last night my Mom was trying to convince one of us to change our name so we could take a god-awful monogrammed monkey-print canvas bag off her hands. Her initials are LKC. I told her I was going with Lithuania, Kingdom of C (my first name).

  14. Maddy says:

    Very good. We have been duly warned. Hopefully senility will protect me by then.

  15. Karen MEG says:

    Names are tough; I would have never thought to name my kids anything that appeared to me just before they were born. I’d like them to know that I put just a little more thought into it than that. Just a tad.
    But then, this is coming from a woman who’s probably got one of the most popular names of her generation. I don’t think I had a single class without another Karen in it. Seriously.

  16. Wayfarer Scientista says:

    lol! my niece was very determined that I should name the Disreputable Cat “toliet” but I firmly turned her down.

  17. Emma in Canada says:

    I believe it is First Nations/ Native American tradition to name your child after something you see during labour. Or is it conception? Anyway, that could explain the Dusty Trails or Morningstar that I mentioned in my post. And you are so right…psychic connection going on there! Except that you are the witty, smart one.

    My mum was telling me today that last week she registered a baby called Precious Pearl. Honestly, I am not sure how she keeps a straight face at her job some days. Or how she doesn’t say “What the fuck are you thinking?”

  18. Claire says:

    Noted, and agreed.
    Funniest name for a child I ever saw: Barney Turnipseed
    WTF? Your last name is the same as a nasty tasting vegetable and then you give your baby a first name that screams “Rube!”. Poor baby.

  19. My Reflecting Pool says:

    Oh dear. This is distressing. I’m sure this generation are just as smart as the other generations, they just feel freer to state whats in their head. Hopefully thats all. Otherwise, we are in big trouble.

  20. SQT says:

    You mean after all the angst I had over naming my children I could have named them something like “Schnaps” and they would have been okay with that? All that worry for nothing.

    Worst names of people I have met:

    Elvis Pres Lee (I was a teacher and this kid was one of my students. His sister’s name was Diamond (the stripper pole awaits) Lee.

    Urine~ (pronounced U ree n) Polish mom saw it on a sign and thought it was pretty. The girl went by “Boo Boo.” Poor warped child.

  21. WanderingGirl says:

    This why I enjoy naming kittens instead of children… Pie, Sweetpea, Stila and Otis… good for cats, not for kids.

  22. Franki says:

    I would go with Wangin Bang.

    No explanations necessary I trust.

  23. Princess Pointful says:

    As a child of the 80s, I had a soft spot for Buffy at the age of 8.
    This was pre-Vampire Slayer, mind you.

    It is interesting to reflect on such things, though. My first name is actually the combination of my dad’s first name and my mom’s middle name, and thus feels pretty damn symbolic to me.

  24. susan says:

    Growing up as one of a zillion Susans, I tried my best to name my kids something very original…it turns out both of my kids names were in the top three of the year they were born. So much for being unique….

  25. actonbell says:

    BE HAVE:
    But I AM being have!
    I’m not sure which is sadder, the name or the illiteracy.

    Jagermeister. That’s funny. Actually, I’ve noticed that Hunter has become a rather popular boy’s name. The alcohol idea reminds me–there’s a celebrity sensation named Tila Tequila.

    Scary times, indeed.

    (And I’d like to be Chocolate Porter)

  26. frannie says:

    I always heard it was twins… leMongello and OrAngello.


  27. velvet says:

    Wow, that’s scary. Truly scary.

    We did what Lime did and gave both the boys uncommon first names, followed by common middle names so that they have a choice later on. Of course, if they think that both of the choices stink, they’ll just pick another name anyway. Oh, well.

    I never liked my real name, but have no idea what name I would choose for myself. Hmm.

  28. Theresa says:

    Still laughing like crazy. Don’t think that running away to China will save you, because kids are the same everywhere. We named our youngest Violeta, which is kind of old-fashioned, but it seems to be making a comeback. When she was born she was kind of bluish-violet, so we said, “Yes, Violeta, that’s the perfect name.” Actually, we were trying to decide between Violeta and Paula, and that just kind of confirmed the choice.

  29. August says:

    This is hysterical. Jocelyn, you are a good sport. A real trooper.

  30. Open Grove Claudia says:

    I write novels. I completely suck at naming. It’s the hardest thing for me. I realized a recent book had 3 different people named “Chris”. Fuck me.

    I don’t blame the kids.

  31. heartinsanfrancisco says:

    There is a doubtless apocryphal story about a woman who, confronted with the birth forms, believed she had to choose between “male” pronounced “mah-lee” and “female,” “fem-uh-lee.”

    I once named a kitten ‘Anathema.” I got exactly what I deserved. I was much luckier with my children.

    As a child, I yearned to be anything but Susan, so lacking in exoticism and originality. Still, far better than “Nosmoking” or “Spatula.” People on drugs shouldn’t be allowed to breed.

  32. Glamourpuss says:

    Teaching constantly reminds you of the depth of the gene pool. I miss that feeling of superiority.

    This from the woman who now answers to her nom de plume as readily as to her given name.


  33. Glamourpuss says:

    Oh, and I once taught a boy whose father was a car enthusiast; first name ‘Aston’, middle name ‘Martin’.



  34. Mother of Invention says:

    AS a primary teacher, there are certain names I’d never call any boy of my own…seems all the Justins, Brandons, and Ryans just spelled trouble! Gone are the Billy’s and Bobby’s of the 50’s 60’s!

  35. my4kids says:

    I’ve seen way to many weird names to even know what to say sometimes. Working in drs offices was always interesting!

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