Mama’s Best Advice: “Do It Naked”

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37 Responses

  1. Chantal says:

    Bleach naked – Good one!

  2. Maddy says:

    Sorry, I was interrupted – I mis-read as ‘belch naked,’ which I think might be just as good advice!

    Cheers

  3. My Reflecting Pool says:

    I can’t tell you how many times I ruined good clothes while cleaning with bleach. Your mom is wise

  4. liv says:

    FIRST: OMYJEEBUS YOU ARE FUNNY!

    (yes, i shouted, but only after i snorted!)

    okay but it’s this: If, in your mid-twenties, Your Long-Time Man announces, “You always say you love me, but I’m not sure I love you,” the correct response is not, “Yea, that sounds about right.” The correct response is, “Well, then, buy me more stuff. I am easily distracted by baubles and Picassos.”

    do you know what? i was distracted like that for 10 years! but, i also don’t have a husband anymore despite the safe box with dem jewels. (btw, i still like jewels)

  5. Jill says:

    Your mother is a smart woman. I ruined my favorite pair of capri pants last summer with an ill-timed bleach splash. I know, I know, a woman with my configuration should never ever wear capri pants, but that’s beside the point.

  6. SQT says:

    Oy! The number of outfits I have ruined with an ill-times bleach pour. Just last week I got the sleeve of a track suit jacket. Good thing it was an old one and I just don’t care. Otherwise I might cry.

    Besides, I don’t have any pasta that needs straining right now.

  7. Theresa says:

    Oh yeah, bleaching naked is always a good move. Please tell me you’ll use the cardigan to do number two before using it for number one. And I’m talking about the list, not the other “one” and “two”. 😉

  8. yinyang says:

    Yes, please, do the Obama thing!

  9. furiousBall says:

    ahhhh, number 6 explains why that ex didn’t like that 1-800 flowers order i had sent her. it was an entire dozen of Chlamydias FWIW

  10. Maddy says:

    Tagged you over here

  11. Lone Grey Squirrel says:

    You hooked my attention with “Do it Naked” and then you assail me gems of wisdom. Dagnabit, you fooled me into learning things. Maybe modern education in schools could try this tact.

  12. SuburbanCorrespondent says:

    You are so weird…

  13. Wendy says:

    I SO get this! I ruined a new shirt on Day 1 of wearing it when a bleach cleaner spray bottle backfired somehow on my red (now with white speckles) shirt.

    And I just spent $$$ on an organizer who helped me LET GO of all those things my mother gave me! Well, most of them.

  14. flutter says:

    so are you trying to make me love you or what?

    totally working.

  15. Calamity Jane says:

    You could always give it to Michael Jackson – natural camo ‘n’ all that.

  16. AmyTree says:

    Oh lady, you is truly funny….

    On a serious, practical note – could you dye the sweater? If it’s a natural fibre you sure could! (BTW I also recommend dyeing nekked – purple Dylon DOES NOT come out of cream trousers, oh no it doesn’t…)

  17. Glamourpuss says:

    I am simply impressed that you own all those chemicals. And do laundry.

    I have so much to learn from you.

    Puss

  18. Shieldmaiden96 says:

    Sounds like a perfect ‘Saturday morning’ sweater; throw it on while you are doing laundry– post coffee, pre leaving-the-house.

  19. Jazz says:

    Lucky you to have a mom give you that advice. I learned to bleach naked the hard way.

  20. Diana says:

    You make my little inadequite housekeeping heart go pitta-pat when you related that all the laundry products in the world failed to make your Girl’s parka more than minimally less grungy. My son’s formerly safety-yellow parka could be her parka’s mate.

    From now on, there will be no parkas in this family purchased that are any color than medium brown streaked with gray and flecked with black.

    Of course, my resolve will flit out the window come next fall and the kids will be arrayed in light coats with white trim.

    I find if you bury the disasters under a few items of relatively wearable clothes in the unlabeled trash bag, it delays their discovery of the unwearable cast-off long enough for you to be safely down the road and out of reach.

  21. Anette says:

    Bleaching can be tricky!
    Advise: always keep a set of permanent markers with colours matching all your favourite clothes. Its magic what they can hide!

  22. Claudia says:

    Damn, and I’ve been mispronouncing museum ALL this time??! No wonder they never let me in. And the whole buy me more baubles and art instead of saying I love you? VERY good call. I wish I’d tried that, oh, say on my first 7 loser ex’s. Is there is statute of limitations, perchance on that nugget?

  23. lime says:

    that’s a rule i always regret when i fail to follow it. i also always tie dye naked too, well, ok, maybe i wear my skivvies and rubber gloves….ok, i’ll stop now because i just know some pervert out there is getting turned on by a tied dyed body clad only an d a bit of polyester and latex….my mother always told me not to encourage those types. i haven'[t always listened so well either.

  24. Hammer says:

    I usually bleach it the rest of the way then wrap it up for christmas 😉

  25. frannie says:

    what about when you clean with bleach? do you strip for that, too?

  26. Dorky Dad says:

    So what’s chlamydia then? It’s not a plant? I was wondering why I got punched the other day when I asked the woman at the flowershop for some.

  27. jen says:

    you are a pillar. a pillar to us all.

    I have a mug that is heat sensitive. when it’s cool it’s white, when it’s hot the words “Clyhamidia (whatever i can’t spell it” Happens”…I only use it in the most special meetings.

  28. Lisa says:

    Damn, you make me laugh.

  29. August says:

    Nugget number two (MuvZeeVum) is too much. YOU’RE too much, Jocelyn. What a bout of the giggles you’ve given me.

    No one ever told me to bleach naked. It’s a very stressful situation otherwise… Mama Crisis is very clever.

    And thank you dearly for the get-well note.

    August

  30. August says:

    Just got your second note. What the heck are you doing up at this hour? It’s well past midnight where you are!

    … All is well, finally. Very glad to return to your blog.

    Hug for you.

    August

  31. heartinsanfrancisco says:

    Chlamydia is not a rare orchid? No way. Are you sure?

    Please meet me at the MUV ZEE VUM to discuss this because it changes everything.

    Do the poo mounds in the woods actually deter snowmobilers? When I lived on Lake Minnetonka, they aimed for my skating children all winter. At the very least, it would have been nice to have some frozen poo to throw at them.

  32. DeeDubya says:

    I feel I shouldnt be reading this as, so far I’m not a mother or, indeed, female.

    It’s like all that speculation about the fairer gender were not as outrageous or sinister as our little male brains suspected.

  33. Minnesota Matron says:

    This is so funny. One piece of advice I learned is that a marriage proposal linked with financial bribe (I’m going to inherit those millions some day, come on!) is good for an engagement of about one week. Naked chores? Cleaning the shower, too. And just give up on the winter coat. It’s hopeless.

  34. Moi says:

    So very funny. May I suggest a visit to the Sur la Table website for a collapsible colander? It will leave far less fabric in your pasta.

  35. Spider Girl says:

    I think that when I was a child it was my dad that would have liked to tell me at the MVSEVM to “git in there and fill up this bag”.

    Then my mom would shush him.

  36. citizen of the world says:

    Good lessons all, except the loathing for your body one.

    Once I picked up a bottle of prewash stuff and squirted it on a favorite T-shirt only to discover what I was actually holding was toilet bowl cleaner with bleach. Well, what could I do. I made lots more squiggles all over it, washed it and had a nifty new tie-dye-like T.

  37. pistols at dawn says:

    I’m going to start buying a lot more bleach for my hot female friends.

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