Keith Richards was named this week as the new face of Louis Vuitton (headed by Marc Jacobs).
Shortly after the contracts were signed, Jacobs seized Keith’s face in a firm embrace, skinned it, and used the leather to make a suitcase.
Keith staggered home, enjoying the aftereffects of the anesthesia, eager to answer his family’s questions about his wildass experience at the Designer Shoppe. Sadly, since his look had only veered from “pretty damn skeletal” to “truly skeletal,” nobody noticed the change. Later, processing his day solitarily, Keith felt it ironically appropriate to visit Facebook, where he friended master prop comic Gallagher before logging off to snort his father’s remaining ashes.
Next week, to “support” Louis Vuitton’s new line of hobo purses and matching wallets, Marc Jacobs hopes to sign Nick Nolte and Mickey Rourke.