Just Where I Am

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38 Responses

  1. Anette says:

    I’m so sorry! What a scary situation! You’ll have to suck in all the visual world around youfrom now on! If what you’re afraid of happens, then you’ll have it safe in your head, and if it doesn’t, and you’re ok, then you have learned how to notice things even better. Cross my fingers for you and sending good thoughts!

  2. Her Grace says:

    Fingers crossed for good news in four months time and sending “feel good” thoughts your way. I hope everything swings in your favor.

    Brilliant painting.

  3. SuburbanCorrespondent says:

    Being blind can be pretty depressing, too; so I’d go for the meds…

    A friend of mine (at 42) is going through this, also (his pressures are at 30, I think) – but his opthalmologist just did some sort of (outpatient) surgery on his eyes which is supposed to buy him some time before he has to use drops. Not sure what it is, but it is supposed to bring the pressure readings down…

  4. SuburbanCorrespondent says:

    Oh, and I’m jealous about that gorgeous painting – thanks for letting me know that it isn’t an everyday occurrence around your house!

    Thirtysomething – ha! I haven’t thought of that show in a long time.

  5. Say It says:

    This post is rather like going through Daniel’s Home at the holocaust museum. Everything is comfy cozy and warm and beautiful then its hard and cold and gets very scary. I want out, I can only imagine you do too.

    My fingers are crossed you get a good result in the next series.

  6. flutter says:

    I am sending healing vibes to you, love.

    That quilt tore me up, it is so beautiful and the history in it is just breathtaking

  7. Tai says:

    …I couldn’t even begin to imagine the thought…

    Oh, I hope it’s just a wee glitch on the radar.
    That quilt is to beautiful not to be able to stare at for hours and hours.

  8. Wendy says:

    That sucks. Isn’t being 41 fun? I feel like my body has begun betraying some days….

    Now that my older brother (43) handled stage 2 colon cancer (fingers crossed), I look at everything in terms of whether or not it’s fatal. We’re all too young for these problems!

    My mom said, what is going on with your generation? My friends who died young were hit by cars or trains!

  9. Bob says:

    I hope the percentages change in your favor within the next 4 months.

  10. oreneta says:

    Well shit. Sorry, but I think there is a time and place for these words, and this ranks. Good luck all round, and remember that just because the drops CAN cause those symptoms, it doesn’t mean they will

  11. citizen of the world says:

    Oh, Jocelyn. At first I was just enjoying the voyeuristic feling of geting to tour your room. But I’mso sorry about what prompted it and will keep you in my thoughts and hope it is not bad news from the tests.

  12. liv says:

    oh, babe. i’m sorry that you’re getting this scare. would it help if i sang “sha la la la la la la. i love you!”? i hope so. because i do.

  13. jess says:

    Oh no, I’m so sorry. What a scary place to be in.

    I’ll be thinking of you and hoping that you ace that retest.

  14. August says:

    Hold on, dearest Jocelyn. Let’s trust that all will work itself out. If you don’t, then I will for you.

    What a cosy home you’ve made. I’d sure love to cuddle up to such a meaningful quilt. I’m sure Paco feels his grandma’s love, and how special his mama is.


  15. Casdok says:

    Yes fingers crossed.
    I just adore your grandmothers quilt.

  16. Diana says:

    Of all the senses to be endangered.

    I’m thankful that if this is what is to happen, it’s both slow and treatable (and most don’t get those sucky side effects). Mostly, I’m a-hopin’ that this is just a wake-up and see the roses sort of thing and you and your blues will be viewing all that is beautiful and absurd in life as long as you have breath to draw.

  17. Glamourpuss says:

    Jesus, Jocelyn. That’s awful. Beautifully written, but still awful.


  18. Theresa says:

    Oh Jocelyn, that is scary. I’m sending good vibes all the way across the ocean right to your eyes. Hopefully, it will all turn out to be nothing more than a scare.

  19. Theresa says:

    Oh, and say hi to Paco Dinko for me. I just love that original name. That’s one creative little guy you have there. 🙂

  20. Chantal says:

    Lets hope that Glacial pace continues . I would be scared as well. Take Care of you, and enjoy all you can.

  21. SQT says:

    Oh man, from one blind chick to another, I hope you’re okay.

  22. HeatherAnn Fragglehead says:

    I’m so sorry to hear about this. I hope that it’s NOT glaucoma. I can’t imagine hearing something like that at such a young age.

    I will keep my appendages crossed for you that when you are re-tested, it’s not looking quite so grim.

  23. Claire says:

    Your writing is a jeweled telescopic path. The eye thing is major suckage. You, however, have a great attitude and I will never complain about having to wear reading glasses again.

  24. Dorky Dad says:

    AAAAAAAAAHHH! (That’s kind of like a muffled scream, not a full-on scream or a comment after a refreshing drink.)

    Thank God for modern health care that they can treat something like this, but that is no picnic. Good luck. And good luck in the months it’ll take you to know the definitive answer.

  25. Princess Pointful says:

    Oh, Jocelyn, what a frightening and intimidating thing to just have to wait on. We’ll be wishing with you.

  26. geewits says:

    Oh my. My Granny had cataracts removed and something didn’t work just right (this was pre-laser surgery) and she never seemed to recover mentally from it. I don’t think the test’s results were correct about depression being the result of the eyedrops, that seems to be a result of loss of vision. I am so sad to hear about this and I hope everything goes your way. Like you said, things have changed. So many things that used to be “terminal” are no longer so. In any case, you will not be like my Granny. Come hell or high water, you will forge ahead and be a happy person. That’s just who you are.

  27. heartinsanfrancisco says:

    Jocelyn, this may sound crazy but you need to talk to your body and ask it to heal itself.

    I did that with a tumor for a month and when I was on the operating table with an IV running, the doctor discovered that it was gone. It never returned.

    Meanwhile, I’m sending all the healing energy and hugs I can muster. Good luck with the retesting!

  28. Claudia says:

    “so long as I’m willing to spend the rest of my life as a dried-up, flattened, stumbling husk of a gal.” Somehow darling, I can’t ever, ever, ever envision you as such. Regardless of the circumstances that life deals you. You are too full of magic. Remember that. Sight or not. You are perfect.

  29. cathy says:

    So many of the visions you describe are special to you because of the emotions and memories they evoke. These things will never leave you even if you lose your sight, apart from which the Jocelyn I have come to love through this blog wouldn’t be defeated, she would revel in the sound of birdsong and children’s laughter. She would savour the warmth of the sun on her face as she smelt spring flowers. She would listen to the crunch of autumn leaves and inhale the crisp fresh air of a nippy winter’s day.
    Jocelyns are adept at sucking joy from their lives like ambrosia.
    So I know that you won’t let fear of what the future may hold spoil your enjoyment of the present because that wouldn’t be a jocelyn thing to do.(((((HUGS)))))

  30. BeachMama says:

    Wow, that is a scary diagnosis. And a holding pattern is something I wouldn’t deal with well. On the good side, I can say that my Mom was diagnosed with glaucoma about ten years ago (she would have been 50) and was treated with drops. She only needed them for a year or so and has been vision perfect ever since. I hope that you get a proper diagnosis in four months so it can be treated properly.

  31. pistols at dawn says:

    It’d be a shame to lose one’s sight in such a well-decorated space.

    I suppose there are other reasons, too, but if there were some sort of fairness in the world, I’d lose my sight, since crappy apartments and uninspired brick wall views aren’t quite so much to lose.

    Here’s hoping for you.

  32. AmyTree says:

    Little rollercoaster of a post, hm? Here I was all safe and happy and really enjoying your lovely bedroom tour (that quilt is a stunner) and the whammy… But that’s life, I guess – snug and secure and then surprising in every way.
    Best wishes for everything, and fingers tightly crossed for you.
    (And thank you for the inside look!)

  33. Maddy says:

    Four months of waiting! That would be more than enough to send me completely barmy. I can’t write anything that hasn’t already been written by other commenters but….

    Best wishes

  34. Dory says:

    I feel ya, sista.

    Docs told me that I will probably be full Deaf around the age of 50. I’m 35. I’m down to about 40%. I feel ya.

    That quilt is absolutely literally completely PRICELESS.

  35. lime says:

    i was enjoying the tour and wondering where it might be headed. that is a scary possible destination. it is understandable that it might knock you for a loop. certainly praying that you are not on the glaucoma trail. though regardless of the ultimate diagnosis i know you’ll never be casual about sight again. i also know that if the worst occurs (and again…certainly praying and sending all the positive vibes possible) that you will meet it with determination and not be mastered by it. (i mean you’re a spunky redhead who roamed all over a foreign country by yourself and whatnot….)

  36. Minnesota Matron says:

    Beautiful, appreciative post. The Matron knows the ways of the body, my dear. And vision. One year, she TAPED her eyes shut because they stopped closing on their own at night, a pesky little problem because the corneas can dry out and this will cause BLINDNESS. Losing the vision haunted her for months until she had the lovely corrective surgery. The culprit was Graves Disease. She continues to be vigilant, regarding the Body and its Potentially Premature Demise. Here is hoping that your dear precious eyes stay stable and clear.

  37. urban-urchin says:

    You have a beautiful home, a beautiful life. Nothing can change that. That said I am hoping and praying that your vision decides to behave properly at your next visit.

    I’ve been reading a lot about eye disorders this week so this post really hit home.

  38. Jazz says:

    Wow, even facing this, you write so well, taking us from a cozy bedroom to the awfulness you’re facing.

    Here’s fingers crossed for the 4 month checkup.

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