My marriage succeeds on many levels. Groom lets me sleep big many muches, when I need it. Groom cooks me food and sets out large plates. Groom laughs hard when I’m mean and small and petty.

Even better, Groom and I have spent many-an-easy hour making lists of “Famous People Jocelyn Gets to Sleep With If She Ever Encounters Them in the Febreze Aisle at the Target, and They Happen to Proposition Her There.” I know many marriages have this List; such Lists can provide mental comfort–an emotional escape hatch–to those who feel that commitment somehow closed doors, snipped options, and dug the first foot of the grave.

For me, I don’t think The List is about that, though, as every inch of Groom’s 6′ 3″ frame is hot and tasty, like a Wendy’s Double Classic Burger without Pickles. I’m completed by my commitment to him.


Don’t I maybe need something new to talk about at family gatherings, when we all meet year- after-endless year, standing shoulder-to-shoulder with our glasses of lemonade, staring at the lake, whiffling on about the weather? Wouldn’t it make for a memorable holiday reunion with Great-Aunt Ruthie if I could announce that, thanks to Groom dropping me off at the talk show host’s condo in Santa Monica, I shared afternoon delight with Jon Stewart? Wouldn’t that put some stuffing into yet another limp family Thanksgiving?

Truly, my List of Possible Celebrity Bangs doesn’t reach so high. I get nothing from mainstream hotties like Brad Pitt, save a small annoyance at his slanted Oklahoman vowels, one that leaves me wondering, “Is he really talking about a pin, or did he mean a pen?” Sit up straighter, Bradley, and speak righter. And stop wearing those silly newsboy hats.

No, I go for a more off-beat, quirky, intelligent, full-voweled kind of appeal. Give me crooner Lyle Lovett or producer Don Was or interviewer Charlie Rose over leading man Shia LeBeouf and his wispy faux-brooding any day.

But more than anyone? I would like to have Michael Kenneth Williams “meet me by the Febreze” at–how do you say it?–exactly this very minute, pulling behind him a fold-away bed and a cart full of candles and perhaps Cesaria Evora in the flesh (except she is required to turn away and examine the paper towels as she serenades us, for she has a mug so scary that it could suck the oxygen right out of a conflagration even as searing as mine and Michael’s).

If you have never seen HBO’s The Wire and basked in the multi-faceted brilliance of my Michael’s turn as Omar, Killer with a Code, then you have not only missed out on “One of the Ten Reasons to Still Love Television,” but you have missed out on previewing my next date, and how else can you seal your approval onto the man who will be plying me with a 2002 cabernet just beyond the hand brooms and bleach?

That he plays a homosexual on The Wire is irrelevant to my attraction; just ask either of my Prom dates in high school, both of whom have since gone on to post-Jocelyn loves named Scott and Jason. I like to think I helped define their course.

But my Michael? Groom agrees: he’s already coursing.

When Evora’s final note dies away, and the candles sputter their last, and the shelf-stockers stop their blushing, I’ll aright myself, hitch up my garters, run one last tender finger over Michael’s scar, and tromp off to meet Groom over by the clearance grills.

Although I’ll have mopped up what I can with the available dryer sheets, a clean-up will most definitely be needed on Aisle 12.






29 responses to “Ah-ight”

  1. Maddy Avatar

    Obviously I need to watch more telly if my marriage is ever to survive.

  2. Her Grace Avatar
    Her Grace

    I can’t decide what’s funnier — this post, or the tags.

    Approved adultery!

  3. Wayfarer Scientista Avatar
    Wayfarer Scientista

    laugh! I enjoyed this although I have little clue as to who either the more popular or non-popular celebs are having never had a television and having spent long periods living on a rock where movies aren’t available.

  4. furiousBall Avatar

    did this exercise with my ex once and at the top of her list… Toby McGuire.


    Toby is not a list topper. Toby is a cocker spaniel.

  5. Claire Avatar

    Oh my sweet Jesus, LMFAO!
    Vincent D’onofrio
    Gerard Butler
    hummina, hummina…
    btw- my 1st boyfriend turned out to be gay too, ha, ha!

  6. flutter Avatar

    Well, now. I think I need a moment alone…

  7. chelle Avatar

    haha I didn’t even notice the tags … HAHAHA

  8. kimber the wolfgrrrl Avatar
    kimber the wolfgrrrl

    Oh, I love Evora — but what are the chances that she, too, would be shopping for cleaning products at the perfect time? I suppose one ought not examine the probability factor in fantasies…

  9. cathy Avatar

    Did someone mention
    Vincent D’Onofrio?

    Your marriage is a source if joy to me! Which is just as well in the circumstances.

  10. AmyTree Avatar

    Aah, the pre-approved adultery list, source of joy to millions. His is Kylie Minogue, mine is Alan Rickman (and perhaps a couple of others, now I think of it). It’s a good thing, that list…

  11. Jazz Avatar

    I had no idea this person existed somewhere in the universe!

    I’ll fight you for him. Damn he’s hot.

  12. lime Avatar


    and i agree about michael’s superiority to brad. brad does nothing for me. never has.

    so as to not interupt the interlude in the febreeze aisle i’ll be sure to go clear across the store to the seasonal section for my tryst with hugh jackman.

  13. Diana Avatar

    I have The Wire all queued up in Netflix and will soon turn my attention to it. I’ll watch every last bit with you in mind, as I sweat and groan on the treadmill in the dark basement, in front of the TV.

    For now, I’m a-watching Rome, which I recommend for purely educational reasons and NOT the toga-candy.

  14. Claudia Avatar

    My famous get out of the marriage bed free celeb. is David Duchovny. The man is sex on legs.

  15. Glamourpuss Avatar

    “Shia LeBeouf”? You made that up, right? No one would ever have such a ridiculous name…


  16. Shieldmaiden96 Avatar

    This is a very interesting exercise. I’ll have to discuss it with Himself later. I know his shortlist includes Steffi Graf (they have the same birthday), but beyond that I’m mystified. He accused me last night of being ‘into’ Colin Farrell, but I’m afraid he is mistaken; despite the accent he actually gives me the heebies. Liam Neeson, maybe.
    The Indian doctor from Heroes, DEFINITELY.

  17. SQT Avatar

    Hugh Jackman and Daniel Craig for sure.

    Hubby is all into Carrie Underwood.

  18. citizen of the world Avatar
    citizen of the world

    “Give me crooner Lyle Lovett or producer Don Was or interviewer Charlie Rose over leading man Shia LeBeouf and his wispy faux-brooding any day.” The only name on this list I even recognized was Lovett and my thought was Lyle Lovett? Seriously??

    Ah, well, to each her own. But I’ll never be able to walk into a Target again.

  19. pistols at dawn Avatar
    pistols at dawn

    I find his work in “Trapped in the Closet” to be just as compelling and rich.

  20. Ann(ie) Avatar

    um. YUM. AND I’m cracking up over furiousball’s ex and Toby Mcguire. Cocker Spaniel is right!!!

  21. geewits Avatar

    I did my celebrity “wish” list on my blog in Decenber 2005 and this made me go back and look at it. My tastes change on a regular basis, but I would definitely keep 4 out of the 5. One thing I have learned, and the best way to put it is, as my granny used to say, “There’s no accountin’ for taste.”

  22. Pendullum Avatar

    A ‘Classic’ post Ms. Jocelyn…
    A Classic post!

  23. Casdok Avatar

    Ah the secret to a happy marriage!!

  24. Anonymous Avatar

    The gays call this the Keanu Reeves Clause. For good reason.


  25. Minnesota Matron Avatar
    Minnesota Matron

    Oh my God. Are we married? In the early 90’s, mine was Jeff Bridges and my darling husband used to joke that he pined for Mulcahy Culkin!

  26. Dorky Dad Avatar
    Dorky Dad

    I read this post and had a comment all ready to go, then I read FuriousBall’s comment that her ex had Toby Maguire at the top of her list. Now I’m thinking that Furious probably shouldn’t feel bad that she’s his ex.

  27. Princess Pointful Avatar
    Princess Pointful

    You are deliciously fantastic.
    I’ll take Jon Stewart and my burger with pickles, please.

  28. heartinsanfrancisco Avatar

    Johnny Depp if I were younger and he didn’t smoke like a chimney; Sean Connery if I were older; Marvin Gaye if I were dead, too; Jackson Browne, who looks a lot like Flip so what’s the point, really?

    Still, it’s good to have a back-up plan. Into every life some Febreze must fall.

  29. veits Avatar

    So, I sit here in a motel room in Butte, America on the eve of my aunt’s funeral listening to Cesaria Evora plugged directly in my ears and thinking about Jason Bateman (#1 on your list of 10, I might add) as the family sleeps in the two double beds behind me. Oh…but for a Febreze aisle…

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