Stop Being So Square, Big Daddy

I would have made a great 1950’s housewife–and not just because I can whip up a chrome-plated five-can casserole and smoke and drink like a fiend while pregnant.

Witness this exchange between The Groomeo and me, transcribed from the dictaphone in our secretary Miss Walcott’s shorthand during the year 1958:

Groom: My ear still hurts. It’s been feeling swollen or infected–totally weirdsville–off and on for days now. It’s fine for awhile, and then it hurts up the wazoo. I’m feeling like a real party pooper.

Me: Are you thinking it’s time to have the doctor spin by the pad for a housecall?

Groom: I don’t know. I’m not really sure if it’s bad enough to see that shuckster Dr. Kildare just yet. That square is bad news.

Me, channeling Jane Wyatt in “Father Knows Best”: Maybe it would help if I hoisted my well-starched crinolines and peed in your ear?

Groom: It’s not a jellyfish sting, you know. Good thing you’re toting around a classy chassis, or you’d be clutched, Nerd.

Annnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnd…..

curtain.

(off to Sardi’s to check my Ooh-La-La lipstick in the bathroom mirror and await the reviews)

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23 responses to “Stop Being So Square, Big Daddy”

  1. Maddy Avatar
    Maddy

    I’m sure all those episodes were a 100% accurate of American family life. Strangely, every thing had changed by the time we arrived. Go figure!
    Cheers

    Reply
  2. Dragonfly Dreaming Avatar
    Dragonfly Dreaming

    ” Maybe it would help if I hoisted my well-starched crinolines and peed in your ear? “

    Yup. You’re the kind of friend you need around during an emergency. 😉

    Reply
  3. mrs. tioli Avatar
    mrs. tioli

    Oh my!

    I read Peered for Peed until Dragonfly highlighted the key word.

    What were you thinking?! Homeopathy wasn’t around yet. You would have offered to pour vodka in it and secure the bandage with your garter.

    Reply
  4. flutter Avatar
    flutter

    I know people who would pay for you to hoist your well starched crinolines and pee in their ear.

    Just sayin’

    Reply
  5. Her Grace Avatar
    Her Grace

    You two would have rocked the 50s.

    Reply
  6. citizen of the world Avatar
    citizen of the world

    Why is my first reaction “Thank God I never watched Father Knows Best?”

    Reply
  7. lime Avatar
    lime

    ok, i know this is not the main point of the post but i recall being pregnant with my first and declining alcohol when my MIL offered me a drink. she retorted, “well i smoked and drank through all three of my pregnancies!” i simply responded, “i rest my case.”

    strangely, this did not endear me to her. go figure.

    Reply
  8. Ann(ie) Avatar
    Ann(ie)

    HAAAA! Rockin the 50’s is right. I wanna come hang out with you. We could make a mean casserole, smoke and drink. 😉

    Reply
  9. Diana Avatar
    Diana

    I dunno. I think the ear peeing is worth a go. Can’t hurt, right? It’s organic and (presumably) sterile.

    Not as odd as some other things people do to their ears, like trying to melt the wax by way of a paper cone on fire to clear the canal.

    The things people will do to NOT go to the nice doctor. Maybe if lolly pops were still given out it might induce people to come sooner. Or maybe a good glass of beer?

    Reply
  10. Claire Avatar
    Claire

    I was born in 1958 and can actually remember wearing crinolines. But somehow I don’t recall that urine was a home remedy for ear disorders…
    then again, I Am getting Old.

    Reply
  11. Rima Avatar
    Rima

    Hello Jocelyn thanks for stopping by my Hermitage… glad you enjoyed what you found there…
    Pleased to meet you, and best wishes from Scotland
    Rima

    Reply
  12. Glamourpuss Avatar
    Glamourpuss

    Oscar Wilde was right; I understood barely a word of that…

    Sigh.

    Puss

    Reply
  13. stepping over the junk Avatar
    stepping over the junk

    you are quite the vogue girl, arent you? earrings. lipstick…

    Reply
  14. Jazz Avatar
    Jazz

    Did they really wear well starched crinolines in the 50s?

    Reply
  15. Casdok Avatar
    Casdok

    Glamourpuss – im glad im not the only one!!!

    Reply
  16. Princess Pointful Avatar
    Princess Pointful

    I hope you two don’t miss the sock-hop and the ice cream social over this ear business.

    Reply
  17. Dorky Dad Avatar
    Dorky Dad

    Dang. That totally could have come from a conversation we had in this house. Heck, my wife says that crinolines line to me all the time.

    Reply
  18. Karen MEG Avatar
    Karen MEG

    Oh, but you’ve got a special brand of pee, do you?

    Too funny!

    Reply
  19. kimber the wolfgrrrl Avatar
    kimber the wolfgrrrl

    Did people routinely pee in each other’s ears during the 1950’s? This was an accepted cultural practice? Goodness, you learn something every day…

    Soundtrack to this exchange: Mr. Ghost Goes To Town, by the John Buzon Trio.

    Reply
  20. Say It Avatar
    Say It

    I thought neosporin was the topical cureall?? And yes, father knows best writers would have found you snappy!

    Reply
  21. pistols at dawn Avatar
    pistols at dawn

    You’re just lucky he didn’t belt you, then head down to the well-stocked bat for a few belts of his own, high-priced Scotch.

    Reply
  22. heartinsanfrancisco Avatar
    heartinsanfrancisco

    If you’re wearing a felt poodle skirt over those well-starched crinolines, perhaps the poodle could pee in Groomio’s ear.

    Poodle piss hath charms, I hear.

    Reply
  23. HeatherAnn Fragglehead Avatar
    HeatherAnn Fragglehead

    You? Are fabulous.

    Also, last year I bought a book for a friend that had old photos from the 40s and 50s, and they had really hysterical and witty made-up captions next to them. Anyway, that entire exchange reminded me of that book and those captions.

    Reply

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