Stop Being So Square, Big Daddy

I would have made a great 1950’s housewife–and not just because I can whip up a chrome-plated five-can casserole and smoke and drink like a fiend while pregnant.

Witness this exchange between The Groomeo and me, transcribed from the dictaphone in our secretary Miss Walcott’s shorthand during the year 1958:

Groom: My ear still hurts. It’s been feeling swollen or infected–totally weirdsville–off and on for days now. It’s fine for awhile, and then it hurts up the wazoo. I’m feeling like a real party pooper.

Me: Are you thinking it’s time to have the doctor spin by the pad for a housecall?

Groom: I don’t know. I’m not really sure if it’s bad enough to see that shuckster Dr. Kildare just yet. That square is bad news.

Me, channeling Jane Wyatt in “Father Knows Best”: Maybe it would help if I hoisted my well-starched crinolines and peed in your ear?

Groom: It’s not a jellyfish sting, you know. Good thing you’re toting around a classy chassis, or you’d be clutched, Nerd.



(off to Sardi’s to check my Ooh-La-La lipstick in the bathroom mirror and await the reviews)





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23 responses to “Stop Being So Square, Big Daddy”

  1. Maddy Avatar

    I’m sure all those episodes were a 100% accurate of American family life. Strangely, every thing had changed by the time we arrived. Go figure!

  2. Dragonfly Dreaming Avatar
    Dragonfly Dreaming

    ” Maybe it would help if I hoisted my well-starched crinolines and peed in your ear? “

    Yup. You’re the kind of friend you need around during an emergency. 😉

  3. mrs. tioli Avatar
    mrs. tioli

    Oh my!

    I read Peered for Peed until Dragonfly highlighted the key word.

    What were you thinking?! Homeopathy wasn’t around yet. You would have offered to pour vodka in it and secure the bandage with your garter.

  4. flutter Avatar

    I know people who would pay for you to hoist your well starched crinolines and pee in their ear.

    Just sayin’

  5. Her Grace Avatar
    Her Grace

    You two would have rocked the 50s.

  6. citizen of the world Avatar
    citizen of the world

    Why is my first reaction “Thank God I never watched Father Knows Best?”

  7. lime Avatar

    ok, i know this is not the main point of the post but i recall being pregnant with my first and declining alcohol when my MIL offered me a drink. she retorted, “well i smoked and drank through all three of my pregnancies!” i simply responded, “i rest my case.”

    strangely, this did not endear me to her. go figure.

  8. Ann(ie) Avatar

    HAAAA! Rockin the 50’s is right. I wanna come hang out with you. We could make a mean casserole, smoke and drink. 😉

  9. Diana Avatar

    I dunno. I think the ear peeing is worth a go. Can’t hurt, right? It’s organic and (presumably) sterile.

    Not as odd as some other things people do to their ears, like trying to melt the wax by way of a paper cone on fire to clear the canal.

    The things people will do to NOT go to the nice doctor. Maybe if lolly pops were still given out it might induce people to come sooner. Or maybe a good glass of beer?

  10. Claire Avatar

    I was born in 1958 and can actually remember wearing crinolines. But somehow I don’t recall that urine was a home remedy for ear disorders…
    then again, I Am getting Old.

  11. Rima Avatar

    Hello Jocelyn thanks for stopping by my Hermitage… glad you enjoyed what you found there…
    Pleased to meet you, and best wishes from Scotland

  12. Glamourpuss Avatar

    Oscar Wilde was right; I understood barely a word of that…



  13. stepping over the junk Avatar
    stepping over the junk

    you are quite the vogue girl, arent you? earrings. lipstick…

  14. Jazz Avatar

    Did they really wear well starched crinolines in the 50s?

  15. Casdok Avatar

    Glamourpuss – im glad im not the only one!!!

  16. Princess Pointful Avatar
    Princess Pointful

    I hope you two don’t miss the sock-hop and the ice cream social over this ear business.

  17. Dorky Dad Avatar
    Dorky Dad

    Dang. That totally could have come from a conversation we had in this house. Heck, my wife says that crinolines line to me all the time.

  18. Karen MEG Avatar
    Karen MEG

    Oh, but you’ve got a special brand of pee, do you?

    Too funny!

  19. kimber the wolfgrrrl Avatar
    kimber the wolfgrrrl

    Did people routinely pee in each other’s ears during the 1950’s? This was an accepted cultural practice? Goodness, you learn something every day…

    Soundtrack to this exchange: Mr. Ghost Goes To Town, by the John Buzon Trio.

  20. Say It Avatar
    Say It

    I thought neosporin was the topical cureall?? And yes, father knows best writers would have found you snappy!

  21. pistols at dawn Avatar
    pistols at dawn

    You’re just lucky he didn’t belt you, then head down to the well-stocked bat for a few belts of his own, high-priced Scotch.

  22. heartinsanfrancisco Avatar

    If you’re wearing a felt poodle skirt over those well-starched crinolines, perhaps the poodle could pee in Groomio’s ear.

    Poodle piss hath charms, I hear.

  23. HeatherAnn Fragglehead Avatar
    HeatherAnn Fragglehead

    You? Are fabulous.

    Also, last year I bought a book for a friend that had old photos from the 40s and 50s, and they had really hysterical and witty made-up captions next to them. Anyway, that entire exchange reminded me of that book and those captions.

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