Call Me Scarecrow


We’ve been busy at the bathroom whiteboard again.

The other week, I posed the question, “If you could attach a new body part onto yourself, what would it be?”

Before answering, I did consider a hand with a goblet growing out of it.  I also saw sense in attaching an arm that extends into a cake server.

However, because simply answering this simple question made me thunk at my forehead for a bit, I ultimately had to draw myself with a second brain–a new model, you see, to compensate for the existing one that’s riddled with Swiss cheese holes.  With a new brain, I might sometimes be able to find the clogs I like to wear around the house…

instead of constantly wandering around the kitchen, forlornly whining, “I can’t find my clogs.  Where are my clogs?  Has anyone see my clogs?”  When I’m done doing that in the kitchen, I head into the living room for a repeat performance.

Paco read the question and immediately came panting up to my side, gasping, “Does it only have to be one body part?  Or can I add all the things I want?”

Assuring him we have The Whiteboard of Dreams, I gave him license to consider all options.

At which point he drew himself with scales, a spiky tail, multiple eyes and arms, and wings.  Just in case he ever encounters General Grievous in a dark alleyway.

Girl delighted me by inventing a new part, something called a “furkla,” which is essentially a long jump rope that attaches to the body in six places (shoulders, hips, knees).  “Hosannah to Rocky!” I cried, “You’d be like a flying squirrel, in a way.  You could climb a tree, jump from it, and then hope your ropes snag on enough branches to break your fall. It’s kind of like base jumping with a rope.  Also, you can strangle evil villains, and if you’ve ever just stuffed a turkey and have no string to tie the legs shut, you could use your own furkla; sure, you’d then have to stand next to the oven for all the hours while the bird bakes, but once it came out, you could unwind your furkla and feel proud of helping to provide a meal for 15 people you don’t actually particularly enjoy being around!  Plus, even better, you could use your furkla like bungee cords, so if you needed to put a bike on a bike rack and secure it there, all you’d need to do is lean out the back window and wrap your furkla around the bike, hollering ‘Hit it!’ to the driver, and the job would be done.  You also could…”

“Mom?  MOM,” Girl interjected.  “I just think it looks cool.  That’s all.”
Best of all are Groom’s attachments.  First, he’d attach a flaming tail.  He is, after all, Paco’s father.  Of course, rather than hoping to take on legendary villains in dark alleys, his rationale was, “If I’m making a creme brulee, I can brown the top using my tail, which is a whole new kind of efficiency.”

Groom also, much to his son’s delight, added a mohawk.  ‘Cause who wouldn’t want one?  Duh.

And then he’d add a beard–a far-fetched body part, indeed, for a man whose face looks like it’s been rubbed in coffee grounds, even two weeks into trying to grow a real one.  Live the dream, Grizzly Adams.  Live the dream.

How about you, Monkeys? If you had the chance, what body part would you attach to yourself–and why?





19 responses to “Call Me Scarecrow”

  1. Middle Aged Woman Avatar
    Middle Aged Woman

    Your extra brain is distinctly floral in appearance. I would like an extra hand that could open the door for me while I am carrying more things than I ought. I am a mom, so I already have eyes in the back of my head.

  2. Jenn @ Juggling Life Avatar
    Jenn @ Juggling Life

    Perhaps one hand with dry erase markers instead of finger tips? It sounds like a useful teacher addendum.

  3. Deborah Avatar

    Damn, she beat me to it. How many middle-aged women stalk your blog, anyway??

    First of all, despite what I said last time, I'm going to fawn all over you. I love the way your mind works, and those kids had better realize just how lucky they are to have a mother who is not only funny as hell, but who has brilliant child-rearing ideas like whiteboards of dreams. You make me want to go back and do it (motherhood) all over again. Just think how much more creative my children would have been, how much richer the dinner-table discussions, how much easier it would have been to just get them into the bathroom! (And any husband/father who wants a fiery tail for creme brulée is my nominee for Dad of the Year)

    What I want is an extra pair of vocal cords – preferably Barbra Streisand's. Or Celine Dion's. I'd love to be able to just open my mouth and let a beautiful noise pour out.

  4. kmkat Avatar

    Yesterday I saw a photoshopped picture of a kitten with 6 eyes and a vertical mouth among them. Can't find it today. You'll just have to settle for this:

  5. Jazz Avatar

    You know me, I'd go for an arm with a wine glass at the end.

  6. furiousBall Avatar

    easy – flamethrower. or as I like to call it, the negotiator.

  7. Erin Avatar

    I'd add a really small, perky, unflabby behind. Because then I'd at least have the one.

  8. Logophile Avatar

    I want a prehensile tail with flame on cabability.

  9. Fragrant Liar Avatar
    Fragrant Liar

    Well, I can't actually SAY what extra part I'd want, cuz I'd sound all pervy, so suffice to say that having a guy part would make me, um, happy. Call it a perkola.

  10. jess Avatar

    I want, uh, what you said, um… one of those.. things you think with. Like, in your head? You know! Yeah, just like you.

  11. heartinsanfrancisco Avatar

    I think extra hands like the Goddess Kali. I already have the wild hair thing going, and her equal parts of fierceness and maternalism appeal to me. It would be so um, handy, especially if they were well-muscled and good at weight-bearing chores.

    Failing that, maybe a horsehead, for those irresistible offers that come along so often.

  12. christopher Avatar

    Gills for me please. I can run all day, but my daughter swam past me when she was 12.

  13. ds Avatar

    Oh, extra brain. That way, at least I'd have half (and be dangerous, bwahaha)…

  14. Jeni Avatar

    For me, there is no question whatsoever – a second brain would really be at the very top of my list and trust me, I do need it -desperately, I do!
    However, I rather like Groomeo's flaming tail and how it would come in handy too. Browning things -without burning them -always a problem for me too!

  15. geewits Avatar

    Instead of adding can I just sort of rearrange things? I'd replace my pinky fingers with two more thumbs and have my knees as well as the tops of my legs bend equally both ways. It would be kinda funny to sit with your legs like that. Your feet would be right THERE. It would be easy to play with your toes. Good luck with that extra brain. My one brain is too full and busy all the time. Two would ceratinly wear me out.

  16. Green Girl in Wisconsin Avatar
    Green Girl in Wisconsin

    Totally going for that extra arm and hand extension. Or breasts. Like real ones to attach where God shafted me.

  17. Steve Avatar

    Gonna have to get me one of those bathroom whiteboards. We're so short on ways to communicate. Seriously, though, I'm with Paco and Groom. Whatever I add, I want it to have some sort of super-hero over-tones.

  18. lime Avatar

    i'd like a spare spine and brain…not because i lack backbone but because mine has endured such trauma i could switch them out when one gets tired. also i'd like a battery pack for when my energy lags. finally fragrant liar touches on a subject…basically, i'd like to change "onto" to "into" and while were att it we can hard wire it to the battery pack.

  19. MamaFox Avatar

    You remind me of how much fun life can be, missy. So, sign me up for really spectacular night vision. I want to be able to see bat sex by moonlight. Also, wings. And talons. Okay, just make me an owl, oh goddess of the whiteboard of dreams. Or GOWOD, if you prefer.

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