The Best You Can Hope for in the Hoosegow is a Sealy Posturpedic

Consider this story of misdirected holiday hopes, broadcast last week on NPR:
Richard Perez of Lake Station, Indiana, wanted to impress his beloved wife by giving her a plasma television this Christmas. The rub was that he didn’t actually feel compelled to *pay* for the TV.
At this point, a little Grinchian ingenuity kicked in, and Richard brainstormed: “Hear me out on this, brain: I work as a security guard at the Radisson, and that’s a company, right? And it’s companies what sell stuff, right? And sometimes they don’t even sell stuff but even give it way, right? Plus the really good companies sometimes call that giving away dealie ‘a holiday bonus,’ right? And can I even help it if the Radisson Company Place is too busy or cheap or confused to sort out its holiday bonuses this year? Well, I can kind of help it, I suppose. I could help them bonus me because they are, after all, a Company Place, and I do work there. Has anybody seen my box of wine? I got the Peachy Reunite’ the other day on clearance at the Chug ‘N Drop.”
Enjoy the wine, you criminal genius; that job at the Radisson? Not for long, Poor Richard. Not for long.
His mind made up, Perez punched in at work (“If I’m on the property, I’m on the clock, baby. Hey, how long ’til my break? I need a Marlboro but bad”) and shortly thereafter, forgetting all about the hotel’s surveillance cameras–as a security guard, why *would* he remember?–he enlisted the aid of his favorite righthand man and best friend: an empty luggage cart.
Entering an unoccupied room, Perez loaded up Best Friend with a 42-inch plasma TV and a Sleep Number bed system (one of those doohickies that can adjust mattress position and firmness). Knowing that a plasma TV and a Sleep Number bed system might, *cough cough*, look suspicious on a luggage cart, especially as he rolled them out of the hotel and up to his idling van, Richard cleverly disguised the cart by draping a sheet over it. (“In all my years here at the Radisson as a security guard, I know I’ve never stopped anyone and asked ’em, ‘Yo, what you got under that sheet on your luggage cart, Mortimer?’ I don’t dis people like that, and plus also the customer is always right, and some people might just need a sheet over a luggage cart, like me tonight as I bonus myself.”)

On tiny cat feet, he then slyly hoisted the goods into his getaway vehicle, drove home–gunning it to 80 mph all the way–and wrapped up the TV for his wife (in my mind, she is named Carlene), sticking it under the tree with a card that read: “To Mom, Honeybunny, from Big Papa, Daddy.” Then he retired to the comfort of his newly-positioned and firmed mattress, watching the old TV and hollering, “NOOOO deal” at Howie Mandel, until…

…the police showed up, warrant in hand, to cuff Big Papa (reading him his Veranda Rights), ruin Carlene’s Christmas, and take a quick joy ride on the Sleep Number. In true Spinal Tap fashion, they were overheard directing Newbie Officer David St. Hubbins, “Crank it to Eleven!”








19 responses to “The Best You Can Hope for in the Hoosegow is a Sealy Posturpedic”

  1. Lee Avatar

    Your Perez-inside-voice is brilliant.

  2. mist1 Avatar

    “…on tiny cat feet…”

    That just made this story so much better.

  3. Lee Avatar

    P.S. I linked you so I can remember to check in…hope that’s ok.

  4. Let's Pretend Avatar
    Let’s Pretend

    I heard this story too…somehow you tell it better. You are soooo in this guy’s mind!

    And something tells me you may have graded his papers in the past–or those of his unfortunate offspring!

  5. Dan Avatar

    This guy deserves to keep it! Look at all of the ingenuity he demonstrated. Such ingenuity should be encouraged. This is sending the wrong signal.

  6. Jocelyn Avatar

    Lee–Or, as I call you in my head, “my new best friend”…thanks, and I’m so glad you’ve linked me! (one day I will get around to doing that too, but not during final exam week. Dramatic sigh here)

    Mist–I thought you’d appreciate the “cat feet,” what with having them yourself.

    Let’s Pretend–Are you trying to say his offspring are unfortunate because they’ve had me as a teacher?

    Dan–I like your backasswards ethics. There’s a place for you in the IRS, if you ever need it.

  7. Dorky Dad Avatar
    Dorky Dad

    Is there really any story that is not improved with a Spinal Tap reference? I think not. Excellent. This was funny indeed.

  8. velvet girl Avatar
    velvet girl

    They say it’s better to be a smart-ass than a dumb-ass. Guess he opted for the latter.


  9. Christina_the_wench Avatar

    This guy has to be from my ex-husband’s gene pool.

  10. Jazz Avatar

    You let this guy loose and eventually he will qualify for a Darwin Award.

  11. Lee Avatar

    I’ve got a warm fuzzy. It could be having a new best friend…or it could be the 3rd glass-o-wine. I’m going with both. 😉

  12. Anita @ Say No to Crack Avatar
    Anita @ Say No to Crack

    He actually would have probably made it if he wasn’t dumb enough to load an entire bed onto the cart. Geez.

  13. Crankster Avatar

    You know, I really wish he’d gotten away with it. I stayed at a Radisson once, and found them to be the scuzziest, snottiest, worst hotel chain I ever tried to sleep in. I’m not surprised they neglected to give bonuses. The bastards.

  14. urban-urchin Avatar

    on tiny cat feet is so good…. I love your Perez conversing with Howie Mandel- too funny!

  15. Jocelyn Avatar

    Dorky Dad–Christopher Guest is a genius, is he not?

    Velvet Girl–Not everyone can be gifted with the smart-ass gene. Some must suffer on their mattresses as dumb-asses.

    Christina–Maybe it IS your ex-husband; he just changed his name and married Honeybunny.

    Jazz–Since none of my students believe in evolution (they maintain Darwin was a quack), I guess they’d give him a Creator Award.

    Lee–Sounds like your third glass of wine is actually your new best friend. Or maybe aspirin.

    Anita–I think he maybe just stole the Sleep Number System device and hooked it up to his own bed. I have no idea how big one of those devices is, however.

    Crankster–We’re going to have to enroll you in an assertiveness program, so you can start to say what you’re really thinking.

    Urban–I sometimes wonder if Howie Mandel has tiny cat feet.

  16. Steven Novak Avatar
    Steven Novak

    No one enjoys a job at the Radission…

    No one. 😉


  17. heartinsanfrancisco Avatar

    Too funny! Ain’t love grand?

  18. Glamourpuss Avatar



  19. Diesel Avatar

    Cool pics. It’s nice to see you’re doing your part to make a more better future. I found you through a comment you left on Drive-by’s blog, btw.

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