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Honey, I Can Tell Something’s Bugging You
In college, I had a friend who was gifted nostrilly. I mean, he had some seriously large nostrils. Some nights, to wow The Crowd at dinner, he would take a quarter and stick it up one of his nostrils. At this juncture, some of you are probably thinking, “Yea, big deal. I stick quarters up…
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If You Pay More For Everything, Then Life Is Better, Right?
“If You Pay More For Everything, Then Life Is Better, Right?” Every town has its unique features–those little lifestyle elements that contribute to the feeling of the place. Such features are often taken for granted by longtime residents, but, man-o-man, are they noticed by the newbies and visitors. For example, as has been intimated in…
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“Dharma Bums” GAAACK. I’m a human shoe tongue. Leathery. Dessicated. In need of a good tug to straighten out my wrinkles. For the love of high heat indexes and mind-altering altitude, could someone just pass me some moisturizer? And then, so long as you’re in motion, dump a 64-ounce Slurpee on me? See, as of…
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Time After Time
I’m currently the bologna in a Colorado sandwich. I’m aware makes no sense, so don’t scrutinize it too closely. Cutting through my nonsense, what I’m saying is that I’m currently in Minnesota, having recently come back from a kamikaze weekend in Colorado. And tomorrow, the family and I are taking off for, you guessed it,…
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“If You Get My Drift” As a teacher of writing, my life is full of unexpected chortles; sometimes, I get to chortle when students with visible thongs and bra straps complain about not being taken seriously. Other times, I get to chortle because students write crap without thinking about what they’re putting on the paper.…
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“The New Meth…Wait, No, Even More Addictive Than That: The New Chocolate“About fifteen years ago, I took up cross-stitching for all of two months. Single and childless, I was looking for a hobby, and the idea of handiwork tapped in to my desire to share pursuits, outside of grinding corn and sitting in straight-backed chairs…
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A Basic Civil Right: Being Scatalogical
“A Basic Civil Right: Being Scatalogical” What is it about little boys? Why are the colon and its emissions so profoundly, continually hilarious to wee males? These days, my four-year-old (who, in his defense, is heavily under the influence of a cadre of neighborhood seven-year-old fellas) toodles around the house, absentmindedly singing a little…
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Squeak
“Squeak” (the only good mouse has a single testicle) When I was in college, I sometimes had to miss class, and not always because I was hung over or because Hart to Hart was on tv (I loved the way Max the butler said, “When dey met, it was moida” in the opening credits). Sometimes,…
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Take a Spelling Test? Or Apply for a Promotion?
“Take a Spelling Test? Or Apply for a Promotion?” You cannot think this was easy. Yes, that’s me in the back there, sandwiched between future cheerleaders. (As long as we’re all here together, can we stop a moment to admire the costly and…
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Neither Hero Nor Saint
In 1906, my maternal grandfather picked up a typewriter and threw it at the principal of his high school. He was 14. Shortly thereafter, he left his hometown in southern Minnesota and made his way to Montana, where he found work as a “hired hand”–a cowboy, in more romantic terms. With the help of his…
