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“Busted in Ballyvaughn” Eleven years ago, I started to turn my life around economically. However, my romantic life was still facing the wrong direction. It took another year for the About Face of the Heart to take place, for me to realize that I’d spent the bulk of my twenties in a relationship that, while…
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Interview My Sweaty Pits
Eleven years ago, I was twenty-nine, and I had recently left my job teaching composition at the University of Colorado in Colorado Springs (after three years there, my annual salary had skyrocketed to all of $19,000). In the hopes of making more money, which would, in turn, give me more choices in life, I decided…
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Good Vibrations
As a teacher of writing, I caution my students against using cliches in their writing. Cliches are hackneyed and trite and require no thought on the part of the writer. For example, I point out to my young charges, the phrases it was raining cats and dogs and I was up at the crack…
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“Poop Across the Genders” I just couldn’t get a good photo here of what I want to show you. What you need to know is that this is a page from one of Girl’s “fast word” books from the past school year (first grade), wherein she was to practice writing certain words of the week…
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Family Expansion
“Family Expansion” When Groom and I met, started the love groove, and launched into the Plan Making phase of our relationship, we had the whole “So, uh, you want kids or what?” talk. Since I knew I wanted have kids, and since I was irretrievably snagged by this guy, I got to do a big,…
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“Mel Torme Is Merely A Velvet Fog Compared to Me” Move over, Bob Barker. Step aside, Tony Bennett. Outta my way, Bill Clinton. Get another job, Oprah. There’s a new Schmoozer in the business, and her name is Jaw C. Lin. Yup, I recently discovered, a bit to my surprise, that I’m a schmoozer. Lone…
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“If a Tree Falls in the Backyard, Does It Make a Sound If Only the Mail Carrier Is There to Hear It?” Now, first off, I’m not complainin’. But the skies around here have been pretty unstable lately, with words like “low pressure system” and “cold front” being bandied about by the weatherheads. Translation: it’s…
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Photo: Groom strums a plaintive ballad on a balalaika my mom purchased in Russia in 1961; the ditty is entitled “I’ve Been Hauling Other People’s Boxes in 103 Degree Heat for Days, and It Sucks”“Hummels for Sale” Holy crap. And I when I type crap, I mean stuff and stuff and puffin’-more-stuff–a veritable excess of…
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Bizarro Profession
“Bizarro Profession” I am a bibliophile who wants to throttle most librarians. This, of course, keeps me in a constant and heightened state of conflict, as I rely heavily on libraries and read several books a week. I want my books. I need my books. But I don’t like most of the people in…
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Honey, I Can Tell Something’s Bugging You
In college, I had a friend who was gifted nostrilly. I mean, he had some seriously large nostrils. Some nights, to wow The Crowd at dinner, he would take a quarter and stick it up one of his nostrils. At this juncture, some of you are probably thinking, “Yea, big deal. I stick quarters up…
