Things the Fully Dressed Lady in the Sauna Did During Her 90-Second Visit:
1. Looked startled when I said, “If you want the light on, we can turn it back on. I just turned it off, but it’s no big deal to me either way”
2. Assured me it was fine to leave the light off
3. Dramatically felt her way, running her hands along the boards like a blind woman, as she climbed to the top bench
4. In what felt like an affectation for someone wearing sweatpants: carefully spread a towel on the bench before sitting down
5. Took off her Dr. Scholl’s slides
6. Put on her Dr. Scholl’s slides
7. Jumped a little when I hit the button on the wall that adds water to the rocks
8. Opened her Nalgene bottle
9. Gulped noisily from her Nalgene bottle
10. Energetically screwed closed her Nalgene bottle
11. Sighed loudly
12. Wiped the top of her scalp a bunch of times, smoothing back flyaway hairs
13. Unscrewed the lid of her Nalgene bottle
14. Gulped noisily from her Nalgene bottle
15. Energetically screwed closed her Nalgene bottle
16. Sighed loudly
17. Sat stiffly upright
18. Plucked at her t-shirt
19. Checked her watch
20. Opened her Nalgene bottle
21. Gulped noisily from her Nalgene bottle
22. Energetically screwed closed her Nalgene bottle
23. Sighed in a protracted exhale that added another layer of steam to the room
24. Stood up
25. Grabbed the edge of her towel
26. Carefully stepped down to the floor, feeling her way, running her hands along the surfaces like a blind woman exiting her seat on a train
27. Wished me a good afternoon as I dabbed a trickle of sweat running between my breasts
Things the Fully Dressed Lady in the Sauna Did Not Do During Her 90-Second Visit:
1. Get nudie
2. Lean back
3. Stop moving
4. Consider she might be able to weather 90 seconds in a sauna without repeated hydration
5. Relax even one Dr. Scholl’s-sheathed toe
6. Get any sweatier than her natural state of being — a looping kinetic anxiousness — keeps her all the time
Typing: 11:13
Editing: MORE THAN 90 SECONDS