Things the Fully Dressed Lady in the Sauna Did During Her 90-Second Visit:

1. Looked startled when I said, “If you want the light on, we can turn it back on. I just turned it off, but it’s no big deal to me either way”

2. Assured me it was fine to leave the light off

3. Dramatically felt her way, running her hands along the boards like a blind woman, as she climbed to the top bench

4. In what felt like an affectation for someone wearing sweatpants: carefully spread a towel on the bench before sitting down

5. Took off her Dr. Scholl’s slides

6. Put on her Dr. Scholl’s slides

7. Jumped a little when I hit the button on the wall that adds water to the rocks

8. Opened her Nalgene bottle

9. Gulped noisily from her Nalgene bottle

10. Energetically screwed closed her Nalgene bottle

11. Sighed loudly

12. Wiped the top of her scalp a bunch of times, smoothing back flyaway hairs

13. Unscrewed the lid of her Nalgene bottle

14. Gulped noisily from her Nalgene bottle

15. Energetically screwed closed her Nalgene bottle

16. Sighed loudly

17. Sat stiffly upright

18. Plucked at her t-shirt

19. Checked her watch

20. Opened her Nalgene bottle

21. Gulped noisily from her Nalgene bottle

22. Energetically screwed closed her Nalgene bottle

23. Sighed in a protracted exhale that added another layer of steam to the room

24. Stood up

25. Grabbed the edge of her towel

26. Carefully stepped down to the floor, feeling her way, running her hands along the surfaces like a blind woman exiting her seat on a train

27. Wished me a good afternoon as I dabbed a trickle of sweat running between my breasts

Things the Fully Dressed Lady in the Sauna Did Not Do During Her 90-Second Visit:

1. Get nudie

2. Lean back

3. Stop moving

4. Consider she might be able to weather 90 seconds in a sauna without repeated hydration

5. Relax even one Dr. Scholl’s-sheathed toe

6. Get any sweatier than her natural state of being — a looping kinetic anxiousness — keeps her all the time


Typing: 11:13

Editing: MORE THAN 90 SECONDS

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Published by Jocelyn

There's this game put out by the American Girl company called "300 Wishes"--I really like playing it because then I get to marvel, "Wow, it's like I'm a real live American girl who has 300 wishes, and that doesn't suck, especially compared to being a dead one with none."

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