That’s Right, Billy Joel: Here’s Another Fire You Didn’t Start

Last night, I told my husband, “In case you were doubting my power or questioning my influence–and it’s the wise man who does neither–I have definitive evidence that I’m changing the world.”

“Really?” he responded, cagily remaining neutral until he figured out what direction this announcement was headed.

“You got it, Mister. I was at the Y today, enjoying the loosely-harnessed passion of Cloud Cult through my ear buds, marveling at how much my forearms sweat when I’m on the stair machine, and, as is my wont, reading celebrity gossip magazines. Thoughtlessly, I flipped to the next page in my mag, only to cease my panting and catch my breath. For you see, cher husband, on that next page was evidence of my far-reaching influence.”

“What was it?! What was it?!” he demanded, jumping up and down like a preschooler at a Wiggles concert.

“I’ll give you a hint: I was presented with a visual connection between something that matters to me and the lives of the rich and famous.”

He began guessing: “Was there an article in which Michelle Obama discussed her love of eating toast late at night? Was it a feature in which Zooey Deschanel talked about how she likes to read three books simultaneously, locating them in various rooms throughout the house? Was it a blurb about how Steve Martin has been learning to play ‘The Can-Can’ on the piano, but in a fashion so lurching and clumsy that listeners have to dig their fingernails into their legs?”

“Fine guesses, for sure, Dear Husband. But no. Let me give you some hints. Hint #1: do you remember when I made a little video earlier this year?”

“Jocelyn, every time I turn my back, you’re making a little video. Seriously, you’re the person who took a stuffed Santa outside and had him smell a pine tree for the camera. So, yes, I remember a whole bunch of little videos you made this year. I need more information before I can solve this mystery.”

My eyebrows lifted as I provided greater specifics: “Well, it was this video right here.”

Exasperated, he threw his hands up and noted, “We’re standing in the kitchen, talking to each other. WHAT VIDEO? I CAN’T SEE A VIDEO WHILE WE’RE STANDING HERE, TALKING TO EACH OTHER. Are you running a video in your head again? I thought we’d clarified that I can’t actually see the movies playing in your mind.”

Whoops. That’s right. Limited seating in there.

“Okay, then, Lord Byron, here’s a different hint: remember these photos–which showcase both classic and acceptable variations of the topic at hand?”

It's called The Tunnel Bun.

I'm also going to be promoting a look called "Wear Your Hanger Strings Outside Your Sweater."

This is how I look when I re-enact the scene that's winning me the Oscar. I was very stern in that scene. Plus, I had a limp. And an accent.



At this point, an odd purple color began flushing through Byron’s face. His normal pacifist tendencies seemed to be straining against something that might have been an urge to throttle.

Clipping out his words, he reiterated. “One. more. time. WE ARE STANDING IN THE KITCHEN, TALKING TO EACH OTHER. I CAN’T SEE ANY PHOTOS. You. have. to. remember. I. can’t. see. the. digital. slideshow. that. runs. in. your. head.”

Whoops squared.

“Okay, okay, I get it,” I agreed. “Then let me reference something more directly. Although I realize you can’t see the picture I’m about to mention right now, since you’ve led me to believe we’re talking in the kitchen, I can take your brain to a memory, right? That’s something we can do with wordies? I mean, you can hear my wordies while we’re standing in the kitchen? I’ll take that slump of your shoulders as a resounding ‘Yes!’ Soooo…do you remember how, on Halloween, I was talking about the way one of my favorite blogger buddies did her hair–how it was a super rad side-tunnel bun?”

tunnel bun PVZ

And with that, the light bulb flicked on for my beleaguered spouse.

Or maybe he just opened the door to the fridge.

Either way, the room got brighter as he drawled out, “AHHHHHHHH, so this is a tunnel bun conversation we’re having?”

Why, yes, yes, it was.

Clapping my hands excitedly, like a preschooler at a Wiggles concert, I shouted, “YES! The success of my Tunnel Bun campaign was confirmed today while I was sweating on the Stairmaster! I turned that page in the magazine, and behold the glory that greeted me…”

tunnel buns001

“Sweet insanity, woman! No, I can’t ‘behold’! There’s nothing here. We’re in the kitchen. There is no magazine here. I have no idea what you’re talking about.”

Oh, yea. Gollee, but there’s a lot to keep track of in life.

I helped the poor guy out. Skipping happily, like a preschooler during an unexpected encore at the end of a Wiggles concert, I headed toward my gym bag and retrieved the magazine, throwing it open to the pertinent page, babbling to my beloved, “And you know if Jake Gyllenhaal is rocking a tunnel bun, and Bradley Cooper is in aspirational stages for one, then the tunnel bun has not only take hold with the femmes but has crossed genders, and when a style crosses genders, like pants for women and eyeliner for men, then the thing has ARRIVED–and so the Year of the Tunnel Bun has not only fulfilled its promise; it’s actually blown up to the point that it’s achieved world domination, right?”

Realizing the broccoli was ready to drain, and feeling somewhat drained himself, Byron took the shortest route to ending the conversation:

“Yes, yes, Jocelyn. There’s no doubt about it: you rule the world.”








25 responses to “That’s Right, Billy Joel: Here’s Another Fire You Didn’t Start”

  1. C-leen Avatar

    Those man-buns are the absolute worst. I saw lots of them bobbling around Brooklyn last month.

  2. Lil Avatar

    Yes, indeed, everyone knows you rule the world. How could they miss it? Can I be your evil sidekick and poke annoying peoples with a stick?

    1. Jocelyn Avatar

      Can you wear a tunnel bun while you do it?

  3. logo™ Avatar

    That is a wise man.
    I just don’t understand why he can’t watch the movie in your head, wth??

  4. ds Avatar

    Alas, it is difficult to share the movie playing in one’s head…(though it has its advantages) even with Tunnel Bun Vision 😉

  5. Green Girl in Wisconsin Avatar
    Green Girl in Wisconsin

    I KNEW IT! I’ve been seeing those buns ALL OVER THE PLACE and they always make me think of you, which is positive proof that the entire trend began with you! In fact, just last night I admired a girl’s “tunnel bun” and said, “That Jocelyn’s got such style.” She looked at me blankly…apparently unable to connect my remark to anyone SHE knew, but I OF COURSE IN MY HEAD KNEW I mean my bloggy friend Jocelyn, the Tunnel Bun Goddess of Turkey, Upper Minnesota and All Parts In Between.

  6. MidlifeRoadtripper Avatar

    Hahahahahahahahaha! Oh, so, my mistake for not reading your posts in way too long. How fun was this.

  7. lime Avatar

    well now that tunnel buns have taken over i am sure there will soon be a massive tie dye revival as well. then we can rule the world together!

  8. Secret Agent Woman Avatar

    Oh my. Not to doubt your global influence, I still don’t want this style to catch on.

  9. pam Avatar

    Lots of tunnel buns over here on men here in Australia at the moment – seriously!!
    See what you’ve started!
    Have yet to see a ute-driving beer-swilling jackaroo sporting one though- they figure they don’t need practice tying anything up – quite happy to lasso the cattle!
    You’ll have to encourage them about the advantages of storing a beer can in the hair tunnel leaving their hands free to – smoke, brand, shear, castrate cattle and grope women – somehow I think they think they can do all that holding a beer anyway.

  10. Bijoux Avatar

    It looks really severe on those without copious amounts of hair. I think you rule gone tunnel bun!

  11. Maria Avatar

    I can’t tell you how badly I aspire to a tunnel bun but my hair is just not quite long enough yet. It is just below chin level. I can put it up, sort of. And then I can stick chopsticks in it or some really cool deadly looking hairpins that my bff gave me. But, I don’t look as boss as you do and that bothers me. Because I am close, but no cigar.

    I strive for that freaking cigar, Jocelyn. I do.

  12. chickens consigliere Avatar

    I’m sporting a tunnel bun right now. That was you????

  13. My Inner Chick Avatar

    You F*cking RULE)))!!

  14. Chickens Consigliere Avatar

    Had to come back and watch the video. You are even funnier in person.

  15. Sharyl Avatar

    Ha! I must say, I laughed so hard at “…took a stuffed Santa outside and had him smell a pine tree for the camera…” that it was necessary to recuperate before going on. And I agree that the man buns just must stop. I’m impressed with yours, though.

  16. Kirsten Avatar

    I hold that those celebrities are not wearing tunnel buns, just buns. The tunnel bun is unique in that you have to be able to put your hand clearly through it and back out…hence, a tunnel. Those are buns.

    1. Jocelyn Avatar

      I take your point, Sis. However, a few of them seem to be true tunnels. Bradley Cooper? Poseur.

  17. Yo Avatar

    my god, but you’re adorable. ADORABLE.

  18. Pearl Avatar

    You are too much. 🙂 I am going to work on my tunnel-bun sculpting skills.

    Represent, Minnesota!!


  19. kmkat Avatar

    1. In Young Piano Player’s defense, that piece sounds like it has a LOT of octaves, and few 12-yo (age = a guess) people have hands that big. Thus spake a person with small and dainty paws who had a lot of trouble with octaves back in the day.

    B. Besides the whole thing of Jocelyn Rules The World, you should be pat yourself on the back that you can identify celebs. In that 12-photo display, I recognized exactly zero faces and only three names. No, I don’t get out much…

    iii. If half my hair hadn’t fallen out in the last year, I would be rockin’ the tunnel bun in your honor. Sadly, my mane just isn’t full enough anymore.

  20. A Cuban In London Avatar

    One tunnel bun at a time. You just wait and see. 🙂

    Greetings from London.

  21. Meg Avatar

    So many tunnel buns, so little time. I love that trends are being set and issued forth from the wilds of Duluth -the Paris of the midwest, and you its Vidal Sassoon.

  22. Bone Avatar

    I think you should start a “Show Your Buns” page and have people submit their photos. Although you may want to clarify that you’re looking for tunnel buns.

    1. ilyanna Avatar

      ooh, ooh, pick me. I’m not sure I could manage one with the same grace and style as our lovely Jocelyn, but I can dream. Dream big! Dream of a tunnel bun worthy of spiders and/or santa clauses.

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