Twenty-Seventh Sign of an Impending Apocalypse

Spontaneously and unthinkingly, I recently did finger guns at a colleague during an English Department meeting.

Should I ever attend a Liberal Arts & Sciences Advisory Board meeting and toss up some gesticular air quotes, that will be your final warning.

Grab canned foodstuffs and run for your bomb shelters.

I kind of hope your bomb shelter is actually a wine cellar. Start with the Rieslings and work your way to the Malbecs. Don’t bother with a corkscrew; just crack open the neck of the bottle and start chugging. Kind of like I do most nights.


Oh, and the first twenty-six signs of an impending apocalypse all involve George W.



By Jocelyn

There's this game put out by the American Girl company called "300 Wishes"--I really like playing it because then I get to marvel, "Wow, it's like I'm a real live American girl who has 300 wishes, and that doesn't suck, especially compared to being a dead one with none."


  1. Not too long ago an obnoxious little brat did finger guns at me and I returned the gesture with double-arm Uzi. I couldn’t help myself.

    Bomb shelters doubling as wine cellars––that’s my kind of thinking.


  2. did you do kind of a clicky noise with your mouth and give them the double barrels? cause, my “being-single advisor”, Brett told me that drives the ladies wild. Also consider ending with jazz hands. OK, I’m off to my bassoon lessons. Brett told me the bassoon is the ideal instrument to midnight serenading. That Brett, amazing i only pay that guy $50 a session for this gold. seriously.

  3. Were they sarcastic finger guns? Or ironic ones? If the answer to both is ‘no’, then you deserve no “mercy”.


  4. My dad taught me to use a finger gun to pretend to shoot off the middle finger on my other hand.

    There I was as a kid, trying for hours to develop the flexibility to move my middle finger independently from the others.

    Much better than learning the NA-Noo Na-Noo Mork handshake, which I also mastered.

    Yep, nothing wrong with finger guns.

    Unless of course, it’s a back-talking four year old in my preschool using one on Spider Girl. Yep. Ahem. A different story then. 🙂

  5. I’m sorry to say this but if you start using air quotes and wearing shoulder pads again, we might have to upgrade that finger gun.

    Funny, the way you describe drinking wine is EXACTLY how I approach bottles of Nyquil. Please don’t bother with the CAP honey, just rip the thing open with your teeth!!!! (please note the use of exclamation points here, clearly indicative of sheer crisis)

  6. i hate to be a hater, but i gotta tell you that the 28th sign of the apocalypse would be having (gasp) riesling in your wine cellar. brine a turkey with that shit, but do not drink it.

  7. That’s alright, *giggles*, I WINKED at a cashier at the supermarket the other day. Winked. Cheeseballs with that wine cellar anyone?

  8. Oh my. Finger guns during a meeting. Maybe at the next meeting you’ll find a special chair in the corner for you. . . and your usage of a certain word on my blog? Totally appropriate.

    Oh – next time you could pretend to be using a machine gun! That’ll make you some friends.

  9. Um. It has been stated for the record that our bomb shelter does, indeed, house the wine. I did include a cork screw, just for something to fiddle with at the End of Days.

    Just let me know when you do Jazz Hands and Marvelous Charles and I will head down with the pets, kids (there’s juice boxes galore) and pets.

    In case you think I’m not deadly serious, I am, and I’ve the merlot to prove it.

  10. I do like the re-sheathing of the guns once used, and possibly re-filling the bandoleer as well, time permitting.

  11. Check out what Christopher Moore says about this very thing on his blog. It made me laugh as hard as you do!! GW. Who know?

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