Unwrap This


Roughly forty-one years ago, on March 25th, my mom didn’t know what to get my dad for his birthday. Somehow “a child” seemed more creative than “a Mickey Mouse necktie.”

So on my dad’s 32nd birthday, my mom, spinal-blocked but fully conscious, pushed me out of her girl bits.

Half an hour later, she was snarfing down a ham sandwich.

This was an auspicious start.

Since then, it’s become a point of pride that I’ve never been more than half an hour out from a ham sandwich.

And, except for twice in college, I’ve been fully-conscious each time I’ve eaten one.

About two years later, my poor parents had this on their hands.

Of course, Payback never misses an appointment. Right now, I have this on my hands:

And if your questions at this juncture are along the lines of “Is he really in nothing but his boy-panties, is that his sister’s sweater he’s wearing, and are those his mother’s boots?” the answers are yes, yes and more yes, Sweet Ru Paul.

Instead of just wishing me a happy birthday–which you should do, you gauche clod–tell me something about the day you were born, woncha?





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42 responses to “Unwrap This”

  1. chelle Avatar

    Happy Birthday!!!
    I hear that my Dad was totally drunk in the parking lot of the hospital the day I was born. Celebrating I suppose ๐Ÿ˜›

  2. Bob Avatar

    I don’t know anything about my actual birth day, excepting the facts on my birth certificate. I might ask my mom about it closer to the event.

    btw – my mom was born on march 25th, so you’re in pretty damned good company.

    happy birthday.

  3. Anonymous Avatar

    So happy birthday and all that chocolate. On June 29, 1964, Congress passed the Civil Rights Act after some 83 days of filibuster. On July 2, 1964, President Johnson signed it into law. Interestingly, there was no vice president at that time. Oh, and on July 1, my mother pushed out her SEVENTH child (of nine pregancies).


  4. furiousBall Avatar

    ok, going forward… boy-panties = manties.

  5. Her Grace Avatar
    Her Grace

    Happy Birthday — hope there were ham sandwiches all around.

    My birthday was on Friday, yet another sign that I should take up residence in your garage so I can adore you from a-near.

  6. liv Avatar

    Happy Birthday, beautiful, glorious woman!

    The day I was born was a lovely spring day in 1977. My mom was heavily drugged and doesn’t remember much about it. Dad says I was the most beautiful baby he’s ever seen. (clearly, both were heavily medicated.)

  7. citizen of the world Avatar
    citizen of the world

    Happy Birthday!!!!!!

    My mother says the Navy corpsmen at the hospital where I was born fell in love me me, tied a bow in my hair and insisted on calling me “Candy.”

  8. jess Avatar

    Happy Birthday! Hilarious post. I’ve never commented but you’re on my reader. ๐Ÿ™‚

    In 1974, My parents were so convinced I was a boy that they disagreed with the nurse when she announced I was a girl. They had to pick out a name on the spot. My mom was super-crunchy so I was the first of 7 she pushed out unmedicated. Yikes.

  9. flutter Avatar

    I freaking love your life.

    Supermodel son and all.

  10. Casdok Avatar

    Happy Birthday!!!
    I dont know anything about the day i was born. But i will now ask!

  11. August Avatar

    Your children make me giddy.

    Beautiful photos, Jocelyn. I love your mother’s eyeglasses and your bonnet.

    A squeeze-you-so-tight birthday hug from me. Many crisis-blessings for you & yours.

    (An Aries, eh? So you like getting your horns entangled?)


  12. Lone Grey Squirrel Avatar
    Lone Grey Squirrel

    Happy Birthday! I got no birthday stories other than they were expecting a girl. Oops!

  13. AmyTree Avatar

    Happy Birthday!! I was born on October 19, 1978. I am a Libra and, according to the nursery rhyme, have ‘far to go’ (it was a Thursday). Now if only I could stop weighing up which way might be the best (it’s all about the balance, you know)maybe I could actually GET somewhere!
    (Now I look at it, I have travelled far, in the sense that I live 6,000 miles from where I was born…) Hm.

  14. Diana Avatar

    Well, a very happy 40th, wonderful Jocelyn!

    My birthday? 42+1/2 years ago, late August in Phoenix, AZ. No air conditioning. She’s never let me forget it.

  15. Shieldmaiden96 Avatar

    Happy Birthday!!

    I was born at 11:02am, April 6, 1970. My mother went to the doctor because she felt ‘pressure’…the doctor said, “What the hell are you doing here?” Apparently she was well on her way to me. She was situated on the front seat of my father’s pristine 1969 Camaro, instructed not to have the baby in the car, and he drove like the hammers of hell to the hospital. He left her at the door, they whisked her away, and by the time he got upstairs it was all over.

    As for auspicious events, I believe it was the day before Apollo 13 launched. (At least, it was according to the movie.)

  16. Say It Avatar
    Say It

    Happy Birthday!!!

    On the day that I was born the angels got together to create a dream come true. Yup. There it is. I’m a song!

  17. Steve Avatar

    On Feb. 3, 1964, the hospital in Camrose, Alberta was cold. Mother could reach out of her bed and touch the Arctic Circle. They gave away free baby books full of pictures of other babies. The intermittent “Aye!” that I interject into speech originated here. Happy Birthday.

    Say, are those awards for reals?

  18. Gwen Avatar

    Okay, then no happy birthday for you. That is a sweet outfit your boy is rocking, though. Does it also come in adult sizes?

    Nothing exciting happened on the day of my birth. Or if it did, my mom didn’t tell me about it. She did petition the airlines to let me fly when I was only 6 days old, though, because she’d been stuck in Singapore for a month waiting for me to be born and once I was, she wanted to get home to her husband and three other daughters. So I was flying at 6 days. Does that count?

  19. SQT Avatar

    Happy B-day. I got nothing on the story– I was adopted and no one knows anything.

  20. lime Avatar

    well happy birthday! since i am adopted i don’t have any stories from the day i was born. my stories start 5 days later when i came home to my parents.

    i can share one about my husband though. he was born on his mother’s 32nd birthday…imagine that. she was drugged beyond reason for his birth and tells the story of her roommate having to call the nurses repeatedly because my MIL kept stripping naked and ranting incomprehensibly while the drugs wore off. i rather like that story. it makes me smile when i get the sense that she thinks i lack class. ๐Ÿ˜€

  21. Jonah K. Haslap Avatar
    Jonah K. Haslap

    I don’t have to tell you about my birth. Just rent The Exorcist. Six of one, half a dozen of the other.

    You’re fabulous, by the way. Disturbing familial ham obsession notwithstanding.

  22. pistols at dawn Avatar
    pistols at dawn

    Wow. I can only say happy birthday, and hope that this new year brings enough money to cover the therapy bills that are assuredly headed your way – possibly still wearing that sweater.

    My birth: I apparently surprised most of Olympus by springing from my father’s head, fully grown.

  23. Franki Avatar

    Wow, that boy of yours is very self-confident. I’m totally jealous.

    Happy b-day! It’s been such a pleasure to read you.

  24. Balou Avatar

    Happy Birthday!

    Don’t tell me son was dressed up like that AND taking a ride on a broom? ๐Ÿ˜‰

    I was born 4/21/64 and I’ve never asked Mom about the day I was born. I will do that. I do know that “I Want to Hold Your Hand” by the Beatles was the number one song.

  25. Lisa Avatar

    All I can think of is Austin Powers saying, “Mama Cass, ham sandwich.” Sick, I know.

    I can’t tell you a damn thing about the day I was born.

    Happy Birthday!

  26. heartinsanfrancisco Avatar

    Happy birthday, Jocelyn! I hope your personal New Year is glorious in every way.

    All I know about my birth is that I had one.

    My brother, though, was born in a stable because there was no room at the inn. With sheep and some old guys with beards in attendance. Something about a very bright star. The world has never been the same since. Amen.

    Nice celebratory outfit on Wee Niblet. Who is his designer?

  27. Calamity Jane Avatar
    Calamity Jane

    Belated happy birthday. I can’t remember much about the day I was born, my memory wossnames weren’t fully primed at that time, sorry. It was a caesarian, planned, I was the third child and it was summer. That is all.

  28. Chantal Avatar

    My intro day is April 4th. Martin Luther King Jr was assassinated on my day (not same year though). I was my moms first child so I am sure she was scared shitless, but then became wonderfully calm after observing the perfection that came forth… HA not really (perfection that is).

  29. Tai Avatar

    June 20, 1972; it was a glorious day, filled with hope and joy. And then I came along.
    tee hee!

  30. Claudia Avatar

    I was born on Friday the 13th, full moon, 1 minute after midnight. Honestly Jocelyn, need I say more? Doesn’t that explain EVERYTHING? ๐Ÿ˜‰

  31. Glamourpuss Avatar

    Happy Birthday, dear one.

    Not much to say about my birth – I came out with a full head of hair and then the nurses misheard my mother so I ended up with the wrong name. But otherwise, all very dull.


  32. Mother of Invention Avatar
    Mother of Invention

    Well,hope you’re celebrating with tons of gooey calorie-laden cake!!! Why, you’re still a young pup, so y’are!

    And this pic of your son will surely resurface about 25 years from now at his wedding reception!!!

  33. Mother of Invention Avatar
    Mother of Invention

    Oh yeah, Dec. 22 ’53 nothin’ special except my mom said it was the best Christmas ever since in THOSE days, they kept you in the hospital for almost a week and waited on you hand and foot!

  34. Princess Pointful Avatar
    Princess Pointful

    Let’s Get Physical by Olivia Newton-John was #1.
    Happy birthday Jocelyn!

  35. Claire Avatar

    Happy Birthday! If I lived near you I would make you a ham sandwhich and bake you a big fat chocolate cake for dessert!
    I was born in Washington D.C. in the now defunct Columbia Hospital for Women. Yep, no men allowed, woohoo.

  36. Shari Avatar

    Happy Belated Birthday, Jocelyn!!

    All I know about my birth is that I was born at 5:30 in the afternoon a week before Christmas. So when someone wishes me a “happy birthday” I say it’s not official till 5:30 p.m. Hee.

  37. Dorky Dad Avatar
    Dorky Dad

    On the day I was born President Nixon told the world that the U.S. was in Cambodia. Coincidence?

  38. Dorky Dad Avatar
    Dorky Dad

    Oh, and Happy way-belated birthday! I hope it was excellent.

  39. urban-urchin Avatar

    Happy Birthday!
    I have to say I love the photo of two year old you channelling Baby Jane.

    Moi: They knocked my mother out and woke her up to push, at which point she stood up on the delivery table and said, “I’ve changed my mind and don’t want to do this anymore.” They knocked her out again and yanked me out via bbq tongs….

  40. Ann(ie) Avatar

    What a fun post. One of my favorite pictures growing up was one of my brother when he was about 3 in a turtleneck and nothing else except one of my mom’s high heels. It’s hysterical! And he turned out pretty normal. ๐Ÿ˜‰

    My mom gave birth to me two weeks late. She had gone to dinner at the Spaghetti Factory and ate her meal, half my dad’s and the rest of my brothers and I was born 1/2 hour later.


    Red sauce induced. Now they swear by it. ๐Ÿ˜‰

  41. Jazz Avatar

    Happy belated birthday!

    When I was born, the doctor never had time to arrive and my dad assisted the nurse for my arrival. In ’61 men were not present at delivery, much less assisting in the birth. First thing I saw when I popped out was my dad

  42. Theresa Avatar

    Happy Birthday, even if it is late. All I know about what happened on my birthday is that I was almost born on April Fool’s day, but my mom held me in for 45 minutes, and so I made my grand debut on April 2…well, that’s what she used to say anyway. I’m thinking maybe I should have been born on April 1st, because there’s nothing I love more than a good joke…except maybe chocolate.

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