The Day of Your Life

Patriotism tires me; xenophobia makes my eyes cross. Doping is poop on a Triscuit.

So I should be able to bypass them Olympiciacites that are being broadcast on the talking box, right?

Not so much.

Every night of late, the fam has been gathering on our full-sized bed in the master bedroom and watching the images being thrown through the air from Beijing. As much as I don’t really care who wins what, the media coverage does manage to scoop me up and dangle me from its pinch . As a result, I find myself a fan of much-decorated American swimmer Michael Phelps. So does Girl, who asserted the other night that someone in our family needs to marry him, the man with the most gold–since Mommy clearly didn’t when she was choosing a mate.

Ever the giver, Wee Niblet piped up immediately and offered to marry the swim master, stipulating that his willingness rested on getting permission to call his new husband “Michael Phelpicannia” during their duration of their relationship. This being less demanding than a vow to “honor and obey,” I fully anticipate a poolside ceremony in 20 years, an occasion that will certainly merit the purchase of a spectacular mother-of-the-groom bespangled tankini.

The kids built an Airplane to Beijing, which they have been flying to various sporting events this week. All of the stuffed animals pictured here are currently residing in The Olympic Village. The big blue bunny in the front (Snurkle) is rooming with French swimmer Alain Bernard; Snurkle begins each day by yanking Alain’s Speedo to his ears and giving him an atomic wedgie.

Indeed, our household finds itself carried away with enthusiasm for certain of the athletes, those who seem awed and moved by their exceptional fortune. In addition to lapping up His Phelpicannia, I didn’t hate the U.S. men’s gymnastics team for fighting its way to a bronze medal–and then being delighted and humbled to have achieved that “mere” third place.

Yup, in the face of these public triumphs, I prickle up with goosebumps, despite myself.

As I ponder why that is, I’ve realized that it feels a privilege to witness another human being’s best day of life, someone’s perfect moment of realizing potential, a person’s cresting the arc of training and talent. Cynicism drops away, and I am affected as I watch an athlete’s heart skip a beat from sheer joy.

All of this got me thinking, of course, about what the “day of my life” has been so far. Sure, I dropped out of the U.S. Junior Olympic archery team’s training program at age 5, just before I actually took up the sport or ever picked up a bow, so my day of life is less than Olympic in scope. However, I’ve still relished my own moments of primal excitement, of serendipitious vicissitude. Sifting through the candidates has proven, too, that I am Phelpicannian, for I have a host of golden moments to draw from.

There was, for example:

**The day in preschool when Mrs. Ungafu took us, her widdle midgies, on a field trip to the local potato chip factory, and we each got a free bag of chips at the end. Yea, you read me right: free chips.

**The day in kindergarten when Mrs. Jacobsen, my teacher, forced me to use scissors with my right hand, even though I’m a leftie; tearing the scissors from my left paw and shoving them into my right, she instructed, “Only the Devil’s Children use their left hands.” Salvaging the day, I promptly called upon my winged minions and fast-tracked her to the bowels of my daddy’s crib. Good times in Hell that night, feasting upon the scrawny flesh of a biddy with a beehive.

**The day in second grade when I graduated from being a Brownie Scout to a full-fledged Girl Scout. There, in the cafeteria of Rocky Elementary, I took several joyous steps over the cardboard bridge that symbolized my journey. While that sounds really cool and has undoubtedly created veomous envy in you, Gentle Reader, I haven’t yet sprung the big part: the bridge was covered with tinfoil and looked like real, live, breathing silver. And my feet touched that glamourous stuff.

**The day my sister and I had to go to Boulder Elementary and get some vaccinations, and she cried and gnashed and wailed the whole time, from the car to the nurse’s office and back into the car again, while I welded my mouth shut, grittily sucked up the dosages, and calmly stroked the welt on my arm during the ride home. My bravery was such that Clint Eastwood was tempted to call me that afternoon to pass on his hearty congratulations.

Except he was too busy filming Thunderbolt and Lightfoot.

But otherwise, he would have called, and that made for a killer great day.

**At this point in my memory-mining, things go silent for a few years. It was junior high, after all. There were no unexpected moments of glory. Oh, wait, there was the time my Earth Science teacher put my name on the board and announced to all his classes that I had the highest score that semester of any of his students. Then big, dumb David Zimdars came back from being sick (should’ve gotten his vaccinations) and took a make-up test, which meant the Earth Science teacher had to find his eraser. Ultimately, these were the medal-free years.

**In high school, though, I had a few zingy days, particularly the first time I entered a forensics competition (that’s “speech” to the non-oratorial, unextemporaneous layperson), and, as a complete novice, I won the thing. I believe I was wearing clogs. Yet my words overcame all questionable sartorial choices, and I won the thing. I still thrill at the memory. But whenever I mentally review that day, I always shod my feet in these Betsey Johnson heels, instead, thus upping the frisson.

**I felt more than a frisson when, during my senior year of high school, I tromped to the mailbox one day in December and discovered there a thick envelope of admission from my first-choice college, a fairly competitive place. With great clarity, I recall ripping through the white paper, heart in throat, and reading the hoped-for words. Even with a second-place score in 8th grade Earth Science, I had made the cut! (big, dumb rat bastard David Zimdars went on to Stanford, where I’m pretty sure he failed their freshman-level Earth Science course).

**More great days in life came during college, days full of reggae and Russian lit and martini shakers and frisbees and The Cure and “Physics for Poets” (during which a solid foundation in Earth Science provided not one whit of aid) and sledding on cafeteria trays and watching the sun rise before bed. Those four years were sheer Phelpicannia.

**Beyond college came life in Minneapolis and Thursday evenings dancing at a The Saloon, just me, my galpal, and 45 of our favorite gay couples. Each Thursday’s sweat session ended with a 1 a.m. trip through the Wendy’s drive-thru for excessively good chicken nuggets (appeal enhanced by the coating of vodka on our tongues).

**Life Olympics went marathon during graduate school, years when my spine wasn’t tingling but rather slumped over books and papers. There was, however, a solo road trip during that time where my car’s alternator died, and a kind, bearded samaritan with bare feet managed–at 7 o’clock on a Sunday night, when all other mechanics were off duty–to jerry-rig a solution for the waning battery by using the pop top from a soda can. His MacGuyverish efforts caused in me whole-body jubilation.

**For the rest of my twenties and into my early thirties, pedantic days were uplifted by travel (particularly a warm chocolate croissant I licked dry in a train station in Budapest on an impossibly early morning), by hiking up mountainsides, and by unexpected pick-up lines (one man claimed himself “smitten,” which caused even my toes to flush; another–a musician–simply stopped by my table between sets and casusally tossed off a “Don’t go anywhere now”).

**Some of you might remind me, right about here, that I’ve had children, and wouldn’t the days of their birth qualify as unusually stellar? Hell no. You are twelve kinds a fool if you think I’m going to claim that passing a tetherball, including its rope and pole, out of my body in one ripping bowel movement was an instance of delectation. I will concede, however, that a visit to the Hemherroid Doctor a year after my daughter’s birth, during which he and I became intimately acquainted, and I looked up at him with beseeching eyes, silently begging him just to lance the goiter that grew from me as a tail, resulted in a moment of exuberance. The large Jamaican physician gave me a good probe and then said, to our collective relief, “Why, it had gotten so bad on its own that it went ahead and burst! What you have here is already completely deflated.” That, my cringeing friends, is what I call an unexpected bonanza.

Admittedly, though, each of these moments of remarkability pales in comparison to one twinkle that sparkled above all others.

Once a-pime, newly into dating a fella, I lay in his bed, leafing through a book, rubbing my foot over my calf, feeling content. The fella had hopped across the hall for a quick trip to the bathroom.

As he re-entered the room, he announced, “Brrrr. My feet are cold.”

Absently, I responded, “Why’s that?”

“Because you. knocked. my. socks. off. Ever since our first date, my feet have been coooooooold.”

Some time later, when I recovered from my swoon,

I adopted Niblet’s attitude towards Michael Phelps:

Naturally, I had to marry someone so capable of turning my dross into gold.





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23 responses to “The Day of Your Life”

  1. Jazz Avatar

    How can you do both hilarious, beautiful and touching in one post.

    Huh? How??? Tell me. Tell me NOW!!!!

  2. Maddy Avatar

    Sounds like you made a lot of good decisions over the years, one way or another.

    I could certainly have done with a doctor like yours a few years back.

    Best wishes

  3. flutter Avatar

    is dross contagious?

  4. choochoo Avatar

    You know, I read in some article that Mr Swimmer Stud consumes around 12000 calories a day. If I were you, I’d be worried about him eating Wee Niblet…

  5. steve Avatar

    Thanks for coming out like this. Now I can admit that Maia and I are addicted, too. Girl is going to have to wrestle her for Phelps, or perhaps a 100 Free?

  6. susan Avatar

    All those golden moments and here I am wondering what it means when your feet are always hot….

  7. furiousBall Avatar

    FWIW, you are the imelda marcos of throw pillows

  8. Dragonfly Dreaming Avatar
    Dragonfly Dreaming


  9. lime Avatar

    if groomeo has spent the intervening years tossing out lines as great as that one (and meaning them sincerely) you have won a lifetime’s worth of gold medals.

  10. Pam Avatar

    You are hilarious.I have tears of laughter in my eyes from the way you describe things. As if the birthing story wasn’t funny enough, the doctors visit finished me off completely.And I agree with the first comment from jazz, what you write is beautiful and touching as well.

  11. Claire Avatar

    I love the Olympics too. But how come the male beach volleyball players don’t have to wear itty bitty, erm, ‘uniforms’ like the women do??
    Sounds like you made the ultimate catch with that Groomeo fella!

  12. Diana Avatar

    Lacking the funds to fly to China, never mind the athletic prowess to gain egress to the Olympic Village, I am relieved beyond belief that Someone (All Hail Snurkle!) wedgied that tool, Alain Bernard. I can now sleep the sleep of the truly peaceful in the knowledge that such a necessary action was accomplished.

    You’ll score me an invite to the nuptuals in 20 years, yes? I’m even willing to sew sequins on Speedos.

  13. Glamourpuss Avatar

    You’re such a romantic – even with the bum grapes.


  14. citizen of the world Avatar
    citizen of the world

    That was a fabulous list. You’ve set me into a reverie, which is nterrupting my blog-catching-up. Curse you for such a good post.

  15. heartinsanfrancisco Avatar

    I loved this post, which is fairly standard when I come here.

    It also made me realize that we should take stock of our victories, especially the small ones that meant something only to us because in them are probably the signposts of who we truly are.

    May the scrawny flesh of all the beehived biddies be royally feasted upon in the halls of perpetual hell. (Amen.)

  16. velvet Avatar

    I remember being really excited about the Olympics when I was a kid, but now, not being a TV watcher, I kind of forget to switch the set on. Hmm, sounds like I’ve missed out on some great stuff.


  17. Janelle Avatar

    brilliant Jocelyn! love it. and yes. exactly re: olympics..those absolutely glorious victorious moments of a persons life when its all so perfect. but also, when the ice skater falls, i fall. whoa. BUMMER. tsk tsk..those moments in life. love all of yours and i KNOW the feeling re: the piles…and having babies…ouf! xx janelle

  18. Diesel Avatar

    Your teacher did not actually say that about left-handers. I’m actually thankful, as a fellow lefty, that I was forced to learn to use a right-handed scissors. Because where the hell do you find a left-handed scissors when you need one?

  19. Ann(ie) Avatar

    I want to know that, TOO!! You can make me tear up, giggle and reminisce in one second flat. This is a fun idea for a post!! AND I am a little in love with Michael Phelps meself. 😉

  20. Dorky Dad Avatar
    Dorky Dad

    Wow, what a smoothie. Can I borrow that one? I could use some points at my house.

  21. kimber the wolfgrrrl Avatar
    kimber the wolfgrrrl

    Oh, those shoes… they made me huff all the air out of my lungs and clutch my womb with lust.

  22. pistols at dawn Avatar
    pistols at dawn

    My main problem with California women was always that: it’s impossible to knock a woman’s socks off when they’re wearing flip-flops, since only Germans wear socks and sandals.

  23. Mother of Invention Avatar
    Mother of Invention

    And is your husband still barefoot??!!!!
    Love all your memories….I have many similar ones.
    (I’m too lazy to change the cap button which I constantly hit!)

    Have a great start to your school year and I look forward to reading more posts. Thanks for your encouraging comments.

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