Take Heed ‘Cause I’m a Lyrical Poet


In the world of education, the last couple of decades have focused on buzzwords like “collaboration” and “group work” and “experiential learning.”

Of course, that means my kids’ curricula at the local music magnet school—where, according to promotional materials, every aspect of the school day is “infused with music”—are largely based around work sheets and spelling tests.

Although it would be easy to fault teachers for the lack of creativity, I can’t. From what I’ve seen, public school teachers are to be admired for getting out of bed in the morning, even more for retaining remnants of passion for kids, this despite the fact that their rooms are stuffed full of 34 wriggling bodies; that many of those bodies might not have had enough food or sleep or intelligent input in their lives; that their best hours are often focused on teaching children to use No. 2 pencils to fill in bubbles, lest a single child be left behind; that they must adjust to amazing new curricula every single year, rarely getting the opportunity to refine something they’ve already tried out; that they are expected to sit on committees and wade through politics during the hours they might be working with students or realizing cool new classroom projects like building a mass spectrometer out of empty paper towel tubes and Hubba Bubba.

As my sister, a teacher of some twenty years (and who, one year, spent $4,000 of her own salary purchasing classroom materials), notes, “If my job were just about being with the kids and interacting with the parents, instead of all the other added-on junk, it’d be easier to like.”

Fortunately, teachers are able to compartmentalize the crap and do try to break up the monotony of fill-in-the-blank learning. Every now and then, they get to work in more dynamic ideas. Or, okay, more realistically, they work in ideas that don’t involve circling a), b), or c). And we’ll call that dynamic.

For example, Girl’s third grade class occasionally has the opportunity to take its worksheet-based curriculum to the next level and do the type of training that will ready them, one day, to become corporate drones.

Yup. They get to do Power Point presentations.

Upping that thrill, they recently got to choose their own topics and compile a “How To” presentation on any subject that thrills them, that they think their classmates need to know about, that they feel is complex enough that it needs breaking down into its specific steps.

Naturally, then, Girl, whom I’ve pegged as a future Human Resources Director, chose to do hers on “How To Make Ice.”

Several demonstrated how to make peanut butter and jelly sandwiches. Three did theirs on how to snowboard.

Poor, beleaguered Ms. D must have thrown her worn-down pumps (yet, strangely, they feel like sneakers) into the air the day one girl went through the steps of how to construct a bed for a paper doll.

The other part of the learning equation, the parents, played into these presentations, as well. When Girl came home and reported proudly what she’d chosen for her topic, Groom and I locked eyes and silently vowed not to demand, “And how exactly do you turn a two-step process into an entire Power Point slide show and speech??? HUH????????? What’s more, look at how you haven’t even started this thing, and already we’re using multiple question marks to stress our bemusement, as though they strengthen our sense of disbelief and as though you can hear our punctuation! By the way, that last sentence ended with an exclamation point!!! And that one ended with three of them because we were really vehement!!!!!!!!!!”

Our restraint in the face of her underwhelming topic choice stemmed from a long-honored parental strategy called Stuffing a Sock In It. Matching her seriousness of purpose, we vowed to support her by providing all the water and trays she might need. Even more, we promised to move the vodka when the time came to freeze. In fact, with the freezer so full of test trays, it seemed best to clear out the vodka all together.


As the week went by, and Girl put together her Power Point at school, chipping away at the, er, ice, Groom and I would relax on the couch at night and remove the sock from our collective parental mouth.

“Do you think she could put in a slide entitled ‘The Importance of Ice at the Bottom of a Tumbler Glass, Especially If It Contained Bailey’s Irish Cream–Which, in Its Heavenly Way, Deposited Remnant Creaminess into the Cold Chips, a Creaminess Which Then Caused the Drinker to Crunch and Suck on the Cubes in a Way That No Third Grader Should Witness’?” I wondered aloud.

Continuing, I noted, “Do you think we should mention to her that diamonds are often called ‘ice’ and so maybe she should have a little section about blood diamond mining in Africa? If we make some calls on that special red telephone in the kitchen–you know, the one Stephen Spielberg stopped by and installed next to the toaster last year, to be used only in the case of a celebrity emergency–do you think we could get Leonardo di Caprio and Djimon Hounsou to stop by the elementary school while she’s talking? They could do something with puppets, and hell if that wouldn’t be worth extra credit.”

At this point, Groom interjected, “What I’m worried about is that she’ll get so focused on the whole ‘freezing water’ aspect that she’ll forget to mention meth labs and how a very special kind of ‘ice’ gets to the streets. In a way, she’d be neglecting an entire population of drug addicts, and that could count against her when Ms. D does the final tallying.”

Stifling a tiny burp, I concluded, “If Ms. D has the audacity to mark down an 8-year-old who’s still getting up to speed with things like, well, speed, then we only have one option, right?

We’ll have to ice her.”




22 responses to “Take Heed ‘Cause I’m a Lyrical Poet”

  1. Jazz Avatar

    Damn girl, you make me want to leave the frozen tundra and spend an evening (or three) sipping Bailey’s with you and Groom.

  2. Becky Cazares Avatar
    Becky Cazares

    Fortunately Girl lives in a climate that allows ice to form in freezers naturally. She would have a whole different set of slides in Arizona. Leaving the water to its own devices in the freezer for too long here results in a total (and repetitive) redo of steps one and two as, alas, said ice has evaporated leaving just a small remnant of alkali in the ice tray as proof that once there was something other than air. Sigh.

  3. kmkat Avatar

    I am so happy to know that I am not the only person in the world who ices her Bailey’s just so as to be able to suck the remnant creaminess off the cubes and slivers. Oh, yeah, and I’d like to hang around with you and Groom for a few hours just to suck up the remnant hilarity. Damn, you two are good!

  4. jess Avatar

    You didn’t share the presentation!!?! What are the two steps??!?! Now I’ll never learn how to make iiiiiiice!!!!

  5. furiousBall Avatar

    i just got a bottle of bailey’s sat night as a gift. this is a sign, i better go home right now and drink the crap out of it. thank you, thank you, thank you.

  6. lime Avatar

    lol, send the girl my way. i managed in the pre-power point days to come up with a 15 minute “how to” speech on making messes. it included types of messes, psychological foundations of messes, and mess methodology. all this while i created one horrendous mess of the classroom….it started with a bra draped over the podium. i aced it. the girl and i would get along famously as we baffle the masses with our particular brand of instructive alchemy.

  7. lime Avatar

    oh…and she could play “ice, ice, baby” as her sound track too.

  8. citizen of the world Avatar
    citizen of the world

    It’s a brave new world out there.

  9. Green Girl in Wisconsin Avatar
    Green Girl in Wisconsin

    i think if we ever met we’d get along JUST FINE.

  10. Pam Avatar

    Ah, ya had me when you said “public school teachers are to be admired for getting out of bed in the morning”. Thank you thank you thank you!! Only this morning my husband said he had to “drag his sad and sorry arse to school”.I think a few of the high-school students I teach would love to give a presentation on how to get the most out of a lip-gloss pot. If they could just transfer that degree of concentration and purpose to study – wow, the possibilities would be amazing.And good on you for the “put a sock in it”. Years ago, husband and I had many a sofa gaze of being incredulous while remaining the epitome of tact, made worse by the fact that child, he, and I were all at the same high school. Any queries in the staffroom were met with “Hey…” and hands raised in “nothing to do with me..”. Power Point presentations at eight eh? I gotta get out more.

  11. Star Avatar

    As she is the offspring of Groom & you, I can only imagine that her Power Point presentation on how to make ice was scintilatting, informative , and downright entertaining.

  12. Voyager Avatar

    At least you have a very good use for the products of her work. Bottoms up!

  13. flutter Avatar

    Oh, Jocelyn. YOU have my other ice tray.

  14. Kylie w Warszawie Avatar
    Kylie w Warszawie

    I love you and Groom. You are like my husband and me. A little bit crazy but definitely meant to be together.

  15. Jeni Avatar

    The comments you made at the opening of this -about teachers and what they go through in their workday -all the exact reasons why, when I enrolled in college at the grande olde age of 46, I decided definitely NOT to become a teacher! I was too afraid I might get stuck with a classroom filled with kids as bad as my own and even worse than mine could be!
    The idea of contending with many parents who think their child is absolutely brilliant and so wonderful tht he/she would never do the slightest thing wrong was my second reason for staying away from teaching. Loved the whole post though but the bit about the Bailey’s set my mind to thinking about Kahlua and how much I love it but my bottle is empty and now,my mouth is watering for some, mixed with a little milk ya know! Ah, Kahlua and Cream! Yummy.

  16. chelle Avatar

    har har har ice her!

    You totally nailed the teacher issue! So sad that they are so restricted. I remember grade ten biology we were instructed to go see Jurassic Park and write a paper on how the movie used DNA. It was awesome and never forgotten. Not a standard way to teach but wicked.

  17. phd in yogurtry Avatar
    phd in yogurtry

    “it seemed best to clear out the vodka all together”

    and didn’t invite me?! ITA with your sentiments on teachers. we’re so lucky they don’t all run and join the circus.

  18. Diesel Avatar

    Worksheets. Ugh.

  19. Prefers Her Fantasy Life Avatar
    Prefers Her Fantasy Life

    I’ve written about urban education for the last four years for the Gates Foundation and could say a lot about that. But for now all I want to say is: Can I com over?

  20. Le Meems Avatar
    Le Meems

    this is SO funny..ICE!

    Here is a blog post, on this same subject (sort of) that inspires me…

  21. monica Avatar

    HA ! I could make YOU laugh – I love it! :o)) thanks!

  22. heartinsanfrancisco Avatar

    I have lived in Minnesota in the winter and would think a better topic might be how to AVOID the ice, which is inescapable there. Or how to make an igloo if it can’t be avoided. That should be worth more than two bullets in a Power Point presentation.

    I’ll bet she got a high grade just for being adorable, though.

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