Wee Niblet, aka “Dinko,” has subscribed to Vanity Fair for years now–two of them, to be exact (the subscription came about during potty training, as he put in long hours of work on the little plastic seat; The New Yorker, with its endless pages of theater productions and show times, tires the preschooler set, so Vanity Fair it was). Thus, he was flattered and happy to rise to August’s proposition. Plus, Dinko has just added “C-A-T” to his literacy repertoire thanks to the PBS show Super Why! , so he was thrilled to have a public forum in which to display his new knowledge.
And now I must wipe a tear from my eye as I, Proud Mama, present Baby’s First Meme:
What is your idea of perfect happiness?
Watching Donald Duck have a snow fight with Huey, Dewey, and Louie; I almost wet my Tyrannosaurus Rex pajamas, I was laughing so hard at those cheek-wheezers.
What is your greatest fear?
Our basement. I can only go down there with someone else, and I have to say loudly, “There is no monster down here, for sure…you hear me? NO MONSTER” as we head down the stairs.
Which living person do you most admire?
Porky Pig. S-s-s-s-s-eriously, folks, it was like I saw myself there on the screen when I first spotted him. I lead with pink pudge, too. He’s coming to lunch next week, if I can get the peanut butter open for some sandwiches.
What is the trait you most deplore in yourself?
Poop. The fact that I can’t open the jar of peanut butter by myself. But you should see me cut up Playdough with a pastry blender. Now that’s plorable.
What is the trait you most deplore in others?
When they refuse to try on my new paper-mache beanie; they are scaredy C-A-Ts.
On what occasion do you lie?
When I pretend I didn’t hear my sister say “I’m sorry,” just so I can tell on her. My mom would love for me to be bi-lingual, but that would mean I’d have to learn to say “butthead” in Spanish to describe myself.
That sounds like a lot of work. So I’ll continue to be an occasional butthead in English only.
What do you dislike most about your appearance?
That annoying fourth eye sometimes causes me to walk into lamp posts.
What is your greatest regret?
I didn’t ride my tricycle more during the summer of ’06.
What or who is the greatest love of your life?
My mom. And her soft tummy of Love and Comfort. No one can compete.
So stop trying, Dad. You can go make dinner. We’ll be here on the couch.
Which talent would you most like to have?
Being a professional lasso thrower.
What is your current state of mind?
Humming. My mind and mouth hum all day long.
If you could change one thing about yourself what would it be?
I’d have wings and a retractable whip growing out of my hand and X-ray vision and a real live baby dragon.
What do you consider your greatest achievement?
Making it through seventeen minutes of the Bee Movie
What is your most treasured possession?
My beautiful and glamorous fake-real yellow crystal diamond from a booth at the Home Show. All people want this because it is very, very expensive, like $2, and it is a diamond, and everyone wants my rare and exotic crystal diamond.
What do you regard as the lowest depth of misery?
Seeing the scarecrow’s head rot.
In the future, it could be on a therapist’s couch.
What is your most marked characteristic?
When I’m hungry, you need to feed me. It gets really ugly, really fast otherwise.
Who are your favourite writers?
Mo Willems; Tedd Arnold; Ruth Stiles Gannett
Who is your favourite hero of fiction?
I listen to Junie B. Jones in the car when we drive around, and she makes me laugh all the time, like Wowie Wow Wow. When she thought her new baby brother was a real, live monkey, I about dropped my juice box.
Who are your heroes in real life?
Did you know my sister can ride a two-wheeler and is really good at spelling?
What is it that you most dislike?
Dressing myself. I kind of refuse to do it. So far, it’s been a pretty effective strategy.
What is your motto?
“I have a really great idea…”
The one that ends at Target. They have a whole section of Pokemon cards and Ben 10 toys there. I can push buttons for an hour before I need to go to the restaurant area for a bag of popcorn.
What do you value most in friends?
Proximity. If they are here, I will play. If they like to wear toe socks, too, like me, that’s a bonus.
Which words or phrases do you most overuse?
“You know what?” and “When will Mommy be home?”
Which historical figure do you most identify with?
Louis XVI. I hide my shyness in pageantry, too.
What is your greatest extravagance?
The occasional second bowl of applesauce.
If you could change one thing about your family, what would it be?
We’d have a cutie baby. Mom says it ain’t gonna happen.
What is your favourite occupation?
Hiding a screwdriver in a heap of Ooblek and then watching it emerge as the slime melts away.
What is the quality you like most in a woman?
Red hair and glasses and an accommodating lap.
What is the quality you like most in a man?
How would you like to die?
I’m only four. I’m not ever going to die.