Everything I Ever Needed to Know I Learned in a Bitchslap Fight Outside the Bar When That Skank Burned My Wrist with Her Cigarette

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23 Responses

  1. J and J Acres says:

    Now all you have to do is write a book or draw all your learning-isms and you’ll be RICH! Rich I tell yoU!

  2. Becky Cazares says:

    Oooh, am I really the first to comment? What do I win…?

    Anyway, sometimes I actually like Kinkade (I know you’re going to hate me now), but that Pinnochio one looks like what was left to clean from the group barf!

  3. Becky Cazares says:

    Wooops, make that 2nd to post (by a minute! Sigh!). But I just had to come back and express wonder at the horribly out of proportion bunny rabbits gratuitously placed next to said Pinocchio. Ick… what was he thinking?

  4. kmkat says:

    The Fulgrum stuff never bothered me, but Kinkade? I’ll be right next to you whacking him upside the head. “Painter of light”? What do other artists paint, darkness? Sheesh.

    Good work on your k’gartner.

  5. ms. changes pants while driving says:

    i love it! up the pooper indeed. who does that guy think he is? spreading joy. JERK! kick in the shins.

    love the eyeballs poking out of the bubbles.

  6. Maddy says:

    Yup I’d skip the snow and dive straight into the frothy bath. That options definitely gets my vote.

  7. lime says:

    listen, you and i can play pinocchio like a wishbone then we can each use a leg to beat kinkade senseless. deal? seriously, his stuff makes me want to gouge my own eyes out with spoons.

    paco, however, makes me grin ear to ear.

  8. Spider Girl says:

    Pinocchio is a little creepy I’ve always thought…but man, I’ve never thought about viciously dismembering him. Oh, what vistas I have left to explore!

    I think if you wrote a book with your post title it would sell like hotcakes. Durn it, I’d be buying an advance copy.

  9. Fragrant Liar says:

    HAHA. Right up the pooper. I haven’t heard that term since I was a kid. That’s what my family called our private parts. Pooper encompassed all manner of ejectiles, apparently.

    Now where was I? Oh yeah, you crack me up.

  10. Kylie w Warszawie says:

    That was great! And so true of Kindergarteners!

  11. Jeni says:

    After reading this post, I will never look at a Kinkaide in the same way, ever again. Nor Pinocchio either, come to think of it.
    Isn’t it amazing though what things WE can learn from the kindergarten kids though? Wonder if my Mom learned anything like these things from me those many years ago? Just a little food for thought there on that one.

  12. Jazz says:

    Ah, but Fulghum’s lessons and Wee Niblets lessons are so not the same…

    1 – 2 – 3 HEAVE!

  13. Green Girl in Wisconsin says:

    This is a book I’d read–so long as Kincaid doesn’t do the illustrating!

  14. ArtSparker says:

    Kinkade brings to mind an essay about kitsch I read years ago. It’s a world without sex or death- no future exchanged for an insistence on a non-existent past.

  15. Hannah says:

    New here.:) Your life lessons and their accompanying pictures are hilarious!:)

  16. heartinsanfrancisco says:

    Flip and I have been snickering nastily about Thomas Kinkade, Painter of Light, for years. Years! We can never decide which is worse, his pretentious crap or Flip’s sister’s paintings which resemble Play-Doh melted over a paint-by-numbers kit.

    Our former neighbor, the Dolphin Ambassador from Sedona, Arizona, was a big fan of Kinkade’s, which would have killed his chances to ever adorn our walls if we hadn’t already hated him with a vehemence worthy of thee.

  17. Midlife Jobhunter says:

    “… both men deserve to have their nostril hairs plucked out, slowly and painfully, by a the beak of a drunken hummingbird who keeps missing their nostrils and instead just pokes their eyes out?”

    HAHAHAHAHA! Is this kind of humor a result of surviving another Minnesota winter?

  18. phd in yogurtry says:

    Ah, thank you for partnering in my cynicism-with-no-limits. And the group vomit? YES! Feels gooooood.

  19. Pam says:

    Ah, Pinochio… In a speech-challenged small class I had one year, one of the small children would plead with me to read the “Poky No No” story again and again. I looked at the Rumpelstiltskin title once and thought “no, I won’t go there.”

  20. Scarlet says:

    I feel like mailing you a Pinocchio doll just for giggles. You cracked me up tonight! 😉

  21. citizen of the world says:

    There’s no redeeming Kinkade. None.

  22. furiousBall says:

    “Always leave an eye slit”

    A ninja taught me that. A ninja with a rocket launcher and a sword made of fire and yngwie malmsteen’s stratocaser. it was awesome.

  23. joker the lurcher says:

    i love this! and if i could be so bold as to add one of my own – never leave your dinner unattended when there is a lurcher in the vicinity…


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