If the Guy Next to Me Had Been British, He Would Have Whispered, “Put Your Baps Away, Love”

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24 Responses

  1. Bijoux says:

    I can only dream about having boobs powerful enough to break free from captivity.

    Isn’t being a girl so much fun?

  2. Avie Layne says:

    When will I learn not to have food or beverage in my mouth when I read your newest blog post?

  3. Erin says:

    This was a great way to start the day!

  4. Maria says:

    I am flat as a board so jealous of your talents. All mine do is wrinkle and sag just enough to gently sit in my armpit when I lay down. And those poses! Ok. All I can think about is what my family calls “proting” and yours probably calls “farting.” I lay with my legs up like that and within one minute I am in deep trouble if there is a crowd.

    And to think that I used to do lay down and have no gentle sinkings and place my legs in the air during lovemaking and never worry about killing the moment.

  5. Jess says:

    I’m with Bijoux. Though my boobs are currently way more impressive than they’ve ever been. Thanks, breastfeeding!!

    Also, you’ve pretty much outdone yourself with this one. The image of you getting smacked in the eye by your own boob will be making me sniggle (snicker + giggle) for a ways to come.

  6. chlost says:

    The visualization of this “boob bondage revolt” was very satisfying-in a totally non-sexual way. It made be smile and laugh, and then cringe on your behalf. Having never done yoga, I can only imagine the exertion, but I know what it’s like to surreptitiously attempt to relegate body parts to their assigned positions. And really, I thought I was the only one who finds distractions to occupy my mind while doing my business.Thanks for reassuring me I am not alone….and we’re not crazy. Right?

  7. Pearl says:

    And THIS is where the true benefit of yoga lies: the realization that things are exactly as they need to be at this particular moment.

    And that you need a new workout bra.

    May they be on sale, my friend.

    Namaste.

    Pearl

  8. sweffling says:

    Thank you, thank you, thank you!!!!!!
    After several rough weeks this had me roaring with laughter even whilst pulling up my own bra straps which keep falling down. No zips involved thank goodness.
    It is always so good to know that we all have to cope with the same kinds of malfunctions but you have a way of writing about them which is unique:)

  9. If the Guy Next to Me Had Been British, He Would Have Whispered, “Put Your Baps Away, Love”

    Or, he would have said something along the lines of: “I’m terribly sorry but would you be so kind so as to place your mammae out of my sight, please?” 🙂

    Loved your post.

    Greetings from London.

  10. Two things:
    One, I am reminded that there is an upside to having been spayed.

    And two, I am also reminded of the time I was side-swiped by a strong wave at the beach which popped a boob from my swim suit to the amusement of all around me. Good times.

  11. Friko says:

    Well endowed, blessed with boobs with an adventurous life of their own; they could have their own blog, couldn’t they?

    Your toilet adventures too deserve a wider audience.

    All in all I would say that you got three mornings’ worth of exercise for the price of one. No wonder your break into a sweat.

  12. Bone says:

    This story really just bounced along.

    Darn, I thought the side-eye was entirely undetectable by others.

    And if you are running a 4-minute mile, either you are quite possibly the fastest woman in the world, or your treadmill needs some adjusting. (I choose to believe the former. Jocelyn superpower #415?)

    • Jocelyn says:

      With regards to the running: I just make sh** up to see if anyone’s paying attention. I’m actually a really slow runner. I make up for my lack of speed with a kind of joyful endurance.

  13. kmkat says:

    Back in high school my best friend and I used to call tank tops “lung tops” because when you leaned over your lungs were likely to fall out. Seems your sports bra sprung from the same roots.

    I think joyful endurance sounds like a great way to go through life.

  14. ilyanna says:

    OMG. stupid clothing failures. I may recently have had to reach down inside my pants when the waistband of my underwear gave out completely and everything collapsed. I feel your pain.
    Thank you for sharing, well, everything. 🙂

  15. ilyanna says:

    My favorite sports bras come from Moving Comfort. The straps are all velcro so you can adjust minutely (from the front!) and they never, ever slip.
    http://www.movingcomfort.com/Sports-Bras/sportsbras,default,sc.html?prefn1=collection&prefv1=Control%20Collection

  16. pia says:

    I never know where to start or end when commenting on your posts but uh a 4 minute mile? 4 minutes? Then I remember do 5 miles in 25 minutes on the exercycle but it’s under optimum conditions and….

    Your last couple of sentences were too hilarious. Well everything you write is but…

  17. Jenny Woolf says:

    Must be better the boobs than the upper arms slapping you in the eye 🙂

  18. Meg says:

    Jocelyn’s theme song: Bust A Move!
    I’ve been pretty successful keeping my D-cups under control, but I’ve had other disastrous wardrobe malfunctions involving the elastic on my yoga pants failing mid-downward facing dog. That asana (hah!) shall forever be known as “coin slot pose” in my world.
    As so often happens, I find myself dabbing tears of mirth away as I read your tales. Thanks, I needed that today!

  19. lime says:

    oh man, i can’t tell ya how many times my boobs have been a problem in yoga class…..and that’s with bras that don’t zip! you are quite the trooper, joce!

  20. actonbell says:

    Ah, I was ready to say what Bone said 🙂 And I so wish I could write so well about how hard it is for me to get out the door. It’s a marvel how one can get up in plenty of time and still end up rushing around in such an undignified manner. Lack of time and unreliable sport bras: they get one down.

  21. I will definitely be passing on the zipper bras!

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