Dear ObaMcCain: Good Luck Targeting This


I’m sitting on the ground next to an elementary school, the backs of my legs tickled by grass.

I’m watching a crew of five-year-olds play soccer. One of them is mine. He’s kicking a red ball and scratching at his scalp, leading me to think some adult in his life should see that he bathes.

My husband is three miles away, sitting with grass tickling the backs of his legs, too.

He’s watching a crew of eight-year-olds play soccer.

We do this four nights a week.

We own a mini-van.

We are soccer moms.

It is only the fact that I am wearing lacey underwear (midnight black with a fetching rosette) and reading William Trevor short stories that reminds me soccer mom-ing is simply my day job for a few fleeting years.

I am more than the sum of car keys and cleats.

Clearly, I am also someone with saucy undies and a good book.

Which makes me, like, complex.





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28 responses to “Dear ObaMcCain: Good Luck Targeting This”

  1. LarryG Avatar

    Qualification: This is not a pickup – but your post mentioning complex – reminded me of this and wanted to share… or then again (hmmmm)

    Comment for your enjoyment…
    This is the supposed “Best Pickup Line Ever.”

    Tareq from NBC’s Average Joe used the following on Melana:

    “The simplicity of your complexity is the catalyst of my infatuation.”

  2. SQT Avatar

    I need to get new undies. Mine sound so bland in comparison.

  3. Franki Avatar

    My undies aren’t too saucy but my mouth sure is. I’m the most inappropriate soccer mom I’ve ever met. Thank the gods my older has opted for football this year…I’ll fit in with the jackass dads perfectly!

  4. flutter Avatar

    Like, totally complex.

  5. lime Avatar

    how dare we be complex. how could they possibly hope to reduce us to a mere demographic group then? boy, you’d think you want them to actually engage you where you’re at or something.

  6. Dragonfly Dreaming Avatar
    Dragonfly Dreaming

    And really, really…umm…sexy. 🙂

  7. Her Grace Avatar
    Her Grace

    My undies are ashamed of themselves after hearing about your undies.

    How does your beloved like being referred to as a soccer mom? He does fit the bill, I guess, with the mini-van and all 🙂

  8. Jocelyn Avatar

    Her Grace:

    And since Groom has been our “stay-at-home” parent these last eight years, he’s got no baggage when it comes to being called “the mom.”

    I do wonder if that doesn’t leave me the “crazy aunt,” though.

  9. Bob Avatar

    I was usually nominated to take the kids to soccer practice. I wish I had had this to read then so instead of being bored I could have been fantasizing about what kind of underwear the soccer moms around me were wearing.

    instead I had to hear about school board politics.

    it’s your fault.

  10. Hammer Avatar

    I went to a 5 year olds soccer game once.. most of the kids were sitting in the grass and one kid kept kicking the ball into the wrong goal.

  11. heartinsanfrancisco Avatar

    It like, does. Dude.

  12. Jazz Avatar

    Does cotton mean I’m not, like complex?

    Damn, I want your undies.

  13. furiousBall Avatar

    ok… ok, this is weird, because right now I too am wearing lacey underwear (midnight black with a fetching rosette) and soccer cleats. and that’s it.

    what’s weirder is that i’m at work

  14. Anonymous Avatar

    What a good word, “saucy.” You are a saucy wench. Did I ever call you that when I was your boss? I’m sure I could have been fired for that.

  15. velvet Avatar

    We own a minivan. And I, too, am a black lace undie mom. As you well know, attitude all begins with your undies.

    You are, like, not only complex, but awesome. 🙂

  16. pistols at dawn Avatar
    pistols at dawn

    I’m often at those games, too, but just because I’m an apprentice soccer hooligan working my way up to the big leagues.

  17. Karen MEG Avatar
    Karen MEG

    So THAT’s the type of undies that I’m supposed to wear.

    Where were you when I started my soccer mom gig?

    Hilarious, BTW, that hubby gets the honoured moniker of soccer mom as well 😉

  18. Chantal Avatar

    I enjoy the comments and much as the post! I dropped an award your way!

  19. Janelle Avatar

    like, yeah! x j

  20. chelle Avatar

    like totally complex 😀

  21. Diana Avatar

    Soccer momming and minivanning are indeed short term. Saucy underwearing and highbrow literaring are forever.

  22. Steve Avatar

    Mine were and are white and brief, and deceptively complex. Go socks to Niblet, btw.

  23. Jamie Avatar

    You kill me…in a complex way.

  24. Minnesota Matron Avatar
    Minnesota Matron

    Honey, I know what you mean. I dress up for groceries, in part to remind me that I am not just the cook and driver. And as Stage Mother, I just signed on for a whole new slew of driving. Ew. Sometimes it’s an excuse to read!

  25. stepping over the junk Avatar
    stepping over the junk

    i love wearing saucy undies. even if i look like crap one day, I know I have hot undderwear. even if I am being thrown up on. like today.

  26. citizen of the world Avatar
    citizen of the world

    Uppity women. We’re untargetable.

  27. Claire Avatar

    Enjoy it – it goes away so very fast!
    Warrior Princess still plays soccer, thank god. I do enjoy a good match up on the pitch!
    When they’re only five, they are so damn cute. Later, when it gets serious they want to kill each other! That’s how high school boy soccer players end up with broken ankles and torn ACLs. But, really don’t think about that right now 🙂

  28. Glamourpuss Avatar

    The way of panties is the way of truth; you are a lacy warrior.


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