Blind-sided and Gobsmacked


It was just a regular day, suddenly sucking.

Very fatigued that morning, I managed to dress myself, even hooking my bra–not just letting The Ladies dangle and flap in the wind. I even managed to apply a little slap and hairspray, getting in costume to mimic an adult.

Exiting the house, the door slammed shut, and in that nanosecond, I had a realization: I felt in my pockets. No keys. No way to drive the car. No way to get back into the house.

Scrambling and ringing doorbells ’round the neighborhood, I found a neighbor who could give me a lift; during the drive, I heard about how her marriage is over, for reals this time, and she and the kids will be out by spring; getting to campus, I found Groom (who was working the art show) and hollered breathlessly at him not to leave; then I ran into my classroom eight minutes late and hollered at them not to leave before hitching a ride home with Groom, and, moments later, turning around to drive back to the college, getting there just in time to gather up the comma activities I’d gotten my class working on in the midst of my 18-mile dash; finally, at noon exactly, dabbing the sweat from my forehead, I hit a curriculum meeting.

While I sweated and dabbed, our household had the son of a thirty-four-year-old woman who’d just had a double masectomy over for playdate. Two hours later, our pregnant neighbor slid off the road and had to go into hospital for monitoring, which meant we got to entertain her three-year-old daughter for the evening.

By the time 10 p.m. hit, the kids had just gotten to bed; we’d just eaten pesto; Groom had slapped his prone form onto the bed; and it was off to teach my online classes.

Grading a research paper on how Jenny McCarthy cured her son of autism, I found my inner self rejecting all post-post-post modern ironic conditioning. What other possible reaction was there, when grading a college-level research paper on how Jenny McCarthy cured her son of autism–and network stations went off the air–than to tune into The Cosby Show?

Two decades after tolerating an episode, I, to my simultaneous horror and surprise, watched the show avidly. I found it timeless and smart and realistic and brave. It had characters sitting down and talking to each other, in a relatively-unscripted fashion, in five-minute exchanges. It had self-deprication. It had style.

Surreally, I saw myself reacting positively to the show I should mock; I saw myself respecting an easy target. I hardly knew myself. Where’d. my. beyotch. go?

During that episode, I found myself more surprised than I had been by the day of hurting mothers and missing car keys. I found myself moved, barely breathing, taken back to a moment of fundamental admiration and amazement: I found myself, having just weathered 18 minutes of Vanessa and Denise fighting over a purple sweater, well,

I found myself crying.

In this episode, the entire Brooklyn brownstoned family had been fraught with rammies, butting up against each other. A tentative peace had been struck, but all of them, in their shoulder pads and lame’ fabrics, were still stomping around a bit. Then, as they walked through the living room, a voice reached them from the television.

“Let us not wallow in the valley of despair, I say to you today, my friends.”

Whatzthat, Scooby?

The Huxtables, plus one pasty white Midwestern girl on a futon, lurched to a stop.

“I have a dream that one day on the red hills of Georgia, the sons of former slaves and the sons of former slave owners will be able to sit down together at the table of brotherhood.”

Cliff, Clair, and I smoothed down our gelled hair and listened harder, the day’s hassles falling away.

“I have a dream that one day every valley shall be exalted, and every hill and mountain shall be made low, the rough places will be made plain, and the crooked places will be made straight; ‘and the glory of the Lord shall be revealed and all flesh shall see it together.’”

We sat down on the couch together, me shouldering in against Theo (who never should have gotten his ear pierced without telling his parents), riveted by astonishment. Something wondrous was happening.

“With this faith, we will be able to hew out of the mountain of despair a stone of hope. With this faith, we will be able to transform the jangling discords of our nation into a beautiful symphony of brotherhood. With this faith, we will be able to work together, to pray together, to struggle together, to go to jail together, to stand up for freedom together, knowing that we will be free one day.”

Holy Zeke. I may have slammed into the classroom that morning, panting and cussing and apologizing to students for being late, explaining about having hitch-hiked a ride. At lunch, my husband may have fed Pokemon mac ‘n cheese to the son of an stricken woman who had been forced chose to have both of her breasts cut off. At dinner, we may have hosted the soon-to-be big sister neighbor girl, whose mom–six months pregnant–was taken hostage by her car as it careened into a bank of trees. We may have found ourselves exhausted and hungry and overwhelmed by 10 p.m.

I may have found myself going to work, grading papers in my online classes, at midnight. I may have felt achey, physically and emotionally, from the cruddy day.

But this?

“And this will be the day — this will be the day when all of God’s children will be able to sing with new meaning:

My country ’tis of thee, sweet land of liberty, of thee I sing.

Land where my fathers died, land of the Pilgrim’s pride,

From every mountainside, let freedom ring!

And if America is to be a great nation, this must become true.”

Well hell.

I, who always chafed at the Pledge of Allegiance, was humbled. I had a flash of recalling that I am nothing, yet I am part of everything.

Cuddling in, I held Rudi Huxtable on my lap, and she was soft and smelled of biscuits. And, as I twirled one of her braids, how could I even fake being cool? I was hanging with the Huxtables, sharing in miraculous rhetoric. We were just people, united across decades and networks, held rapt by truth and beauty and words of justice.

Adjusting Rudi on my lap, I admired Denise’s bangles, patted Theo’s be-sweatered back, and continued to cry.

“…when we allow freedom ring, when we let it ring from every village and every hamlet, from every state and every city, we will be able to speed up that day when all of God’s children, black men and white men, Jews and Gentiles, Protestants and Catholics, will be able to join hands and sing in the words of the old Negro spiritual:

Free at last! Free at last!

Thank God Almighty, we are free at last!”

My worst day wasn’t even on the same continuum as this Best Day.






19 responses to “Blind-sided and Gobsmacked”

  1. flutter Avatar

    your heart is a beautiful thing.

  2. Shania Avatar

    Brilliant! *applauds*

    ps: I still have a sweater like Denise’s purple one. Wanna borrow it?

  3. Jeni Avatar

    You never cease to amaze me -the breadth and depth of your writing -just absolutely awesome!
    How true those words were when first spoken by Dr. King and how true they are, still, today. The key is to get all factions to finally realize that this is the ONLY way EVER for peace -world-wide -to ever come about.
    Peace, my friend.

  4. Ann(ie) Avatar

    Beautiful. standing and clapping!!!!!

  5. lime Avatar

    his words, whether i read them or hear the old film, never fail to stir me deeply.

  6. Becky Cazares Avatar
    Becky Cazares

    Free at last, indeed! What a week we have in store!

  7. citizen of the world Avatar
    citizen of the world

    Once I got over giggling at the idea of your “ladies’ dangling and flapping in the wind, I loved the power of the post. Feels like a new era.

  8. Pam Avatar

    Wow. Goodness, a bit speechless here!! A strong post!

  9. Kylie w Warszawie Avatar
    Kylie w Warszawie

    You are AWESOME!


  10. Chantal Avatar

    Phew, I’m all misty here. Beautiful!

  11. Jazz Avatar

    Wonderful post.


    Of course.

  12. chelle Avatar

    holy smokes.
    you totally rock.

  13. Her Grace Avatar
    Her Grace

    You gave me chills, woman. Thanks for a little perspective today.

  14. Green Girl in Wisconsin Avatar
    Green Girl in Wisconsin

    What an awesome post.

  15. furiousBall Avatar

    I do Bill Cosby aerobics every morning in the nude, well a ridiculous sweater and legwarmers, but that’s it. I end with a flourish by doing jazz hands and helicoptering my junk

  16. Jill Avatar

    Awesome. There’s nothing else to say.

  17. choochoo Avatar

    I used to watch that show religiously when I was a kid.

    Very nice post, lady:)

  18. heartinsanfrancisco Avatar

    I always loved the Huxtaables because Bill Cosby has been the most charming man in America since his role in “I Spy,” co-starring with Robert Culp who barely registered on my radar.

    And because I have rarely known a family of any color as warm and genuinely loving as they were. In my fondest dreams, I was a Huxtable, too.

    I love the way you juxtaposed all these diverse elements in this post. Your writing always delights me, Jocelyn.

  19. pistols at dawn Avatar
    pistols at dawn

    I, for one, am particularly thankful to your neighbors for giving you a rich tableaux with which you put Edgar Lee Masters and his Spoon River characters to shame at least twice weekly.

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