You Asked for It (Well, Two of You Did): How to Achieve a Style Equaled Only By Its Substance

Women too often lead with apology.

I have vowed to break that culturally inculcated habit and not apologize for my behaviors unless I’ve just vomited in your daisies or hit the reset button on your Furby.

Thus, I will not lead with apology here.

Instead, I will celebrate my inner She-Ra by boldly stating, with unabashed confidence and not a whiff of regret, that I am supremely untalented at setting up a video camera in a way that captures all of me in the frame (ah, but there is so very much to capture!), that utilizes anything resembling flattering lighting, and that actually shows viewers the thing I’m trying to demonstrate.

Put another way: in the following video, I’m trying to show you my hair, but most of it was out of the frame…and I was too pressed for time to even consider redoing the silly thing.

Because I am unapologetic, I will point out that what I’ve done here is create a tool that provides just enough information for you to figure it out for yourself. And that, Chums, is a little something we call Good Teaching.

I also refuse to apologize for the duncery that has me using “regime” for “regimen” and concocting a stylist named Paul Sassoon. Rather, I commend my mouth for being able to form words at all–no matter how ineptly–after four decades of brain-cell-decimating hairspray spritzing.

It’s a wonder I’m upright, really, what with all the years of hairspray.

And beer.

On that note, I advise you to take out a notebook, sharpen a pencil, and prepare to jot down a few of the most helpful tips:

Because the top of my head was cut off for most of the video, I am also providing a few full head shots, so’s you can see Full Bun in Action.

This is how I look when I re-enact the scene that got me the Oscar nomination. I was very stern in that scene. Plus, I had a limp. And an accent.
This is how I look when I re-enact the scene that earned me the Oscar nomination. I was very stern in that scene. Plus, I had a limp. An accent. A surveillance camera. Tucked into the tendrils.
This is how I look on the red carpet when I’m lunging toward Helen Mirren, angling in for a grope and a gossip. Before I reach for her rack, however, I freshen my breath with a curiously strong mint that lives in a tin on my head.
Here’s how I look at the Governors Ball after three cocktails and a week on The Master Cleanse. Where’d I stick all the tiny umbrellas and knives and extra olives that came in my drinks?
Oh, I think you know.


now that you know how to tunnel your buns,

do tell:

how would you use the form for function?







16 responses to “You Asked for It (Well, Two of You Did): How to Achieve a Style Equaled Only By Its Substance”

  1. Chantal Avatar

    Full Disclosure: I have yet to watch the video as I am at work. I’ll watch it when I get home tonight. BUT. Jocelyn I have to tell you, I LOVE YOUR BLOG (I mean you, you are your blog, your blog is you). It is an example of exactly what I think a blog should be. Fun, interesting, thought provoking, insightful, fun. Did I say fun! A reminder of why I blogged and why I should get back to blogging. Although I never did the fun like you do. You’ve cornered the market on fun.

  2. Pearl Avatar

    I’ve kept a tin of preserved herring in my tunnel bun (or “Bunnel” as it’s known here in The Cities) since 2008, when I could not produce one and my status as a True Minnesotan was challenged.

    Never again, Joce. Never again.


  3. Lil Avatar

    Sometimes you scare me.

    Just sayin’…

  4. Green Girl in Wisconsin Avatar

    Well, even the high ponytail was elegant enough for me. But if I ever need to smuggle donut holes to a meeting for quick snacking, I’m totally tunneling the bun.

  5. Jess Avatar

    I luhf you. I am so putting Daphne’s and mine hairs (heirs?) in a tunnel bun tonight. We will then experiment with structural integrity and objects around the house. Stand by for results.

  6. Maxine Avatar

    I think the reason why this hairstyle is not more wide-spread is that you and your sister were the only people to ever wear it in MT. Now it has spread not only to your darling kidlet, but to the WORLD! Thanks for the creative promo on my invention. kissies.

  7. Erin Avatar

    Oh my goodness, you crack me up. Biscotti in your tunnel bun?! So right about Helen Mirren. She has, ah, held up well. Did you see Calendar Girls? I only hope to look that perky someday!

  8. Secret Agent Woman Avatar

    Oh, my. Okay, that was wildly entertaining, I’ll give you that. The celery idea made me laugh out loud. But now I’m not only not buying the beauteousness of it, I’m also deeply skeptical of the functional aspects. Get up and run around with those things tucked in your tunnel bun, I dare you. Me, I’m going to carry things in my coat pocket.

  9. lime Avatar

    ya know, i am not sure anyone else i know could rock a tunnel bun and lipstick outside the lines quite the way you do. i mean it. i’d be seen in public with you like that. myself…i’d probably opt for the wild combed out curls that make me resemble roseanne roseannadanna…which, by the way, is like the tunnel bun in that it is both beautiful and functional. i can hide all manner of things in the poofed out curls.

    were i to attempt a tunnel bun i’m thinking it would be a good spot for a slab of ring bologna provided a sufficient quantity of aquanet were applied to thoroughly shellac the hair in place.

  10. kmkat Avatar

    What I want to know is how you managed to do that entire video without ever cracking up. When I scrolled down and saw the beauteous lipstick I lost it.

    Go, Joce!

  11. Maria Avatar

    I like to store hot dogs in my tunnel bun. It’s good for fending off the neighbor’s dog when I am running.

    And are those PEARLS with your hoodie? You put my ass to shame.

    Also, your house looks remarkably like my own. This kind of unnerves me.

  12. Meg Avatar

    “Tuck the Puck”

    But of course, ma cherie. Vee vill be dooing ze hair zis evenink. Eef Ah can verk ze camerah, vee vill post our own Tunnel Bun ad-ventchairs!

    Stay tuned.

  13. chlost Avatar

    Oh, honey, the world is loving the tunnel-bun! So spectacularly gorgeous, so wonderfully practical. I beliee you could sell a tunnel-bun package containing the elastic band, bobby pins, hairbrush and aquanet (they do have a non-aresol version) on QVC with your instructional video. Millions, I tell you! You’d make millions!
    It is amazing what months of ccld dark nights can do….Duluth is the obvious incubator of fantastic ideas!
    Oh,and isn’t that lipstick Byron’s?

  14. ilyanna Avatar

    I cannot decide which phrases make me laugh the most. Regardless, thank you, thank you, thank you for this amazing tutorial. now when I shamble with the dogs I can both look good AND have a place to store the (unused) poop bags. This has been a problem in the summer when I no longer have a coat-of-many-pockets, as i do in the winter.

  15. actonbell Avatar

    This is wonderful! I personally don’t have hair, but if I did, it would definitely be one of my tampon-hiding places. IF I could master the art of updo’s, which is doubtful. And you MADE biscotti? I buy biscotti. *sigh*

  16. Deborah Avatar

    (Some) French women consider the necklace an indispensable style piece, even for the Saturday market. I’ve managed one for 3 consecutive Saturdays but just couldn’t make it last, HOWever, you look so fabulous in pearls that you should consider making them a daily fixture. The tunnelbun was, I thought, a big unknown to me, but then when I watched you putting in those bobby pins, it all came back. The hours in front of a 3-way bathroom mirror, the recalcitrant, insufficient hair, the envy of my best friend’s sister and her thick, waist-length tresses, and the desperation of adding in my mother’s real-hair brunette switch, which did look a bit funky with my fair locks.
    This was fabulous. I continue to find the still photo arresting and hope that the day we finally meet, you’ll be tunnel-bunned and lipsticked just like that. Actually, you are performance art!
    Superb finale to the video, btw.

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