O Mighty Crisis Stories

My Top Ten List of Things That Had the Potential to Be 10/10’s This Year but Were, in Their Actualization, Mere 7/10’s…and If That Concept Doesn’t Hurt Your Head Just a Wee Bit, Then I Have Failed in My Mission and Need to Label This Post’s Conceit a 7/10 and Add It to the List 24

My Top Ten List of Things That Had the Potential to Be 10/10’s This Year but Were, in Their Actualization, Mere 7/10’s…and If That Concept Doesn’t Hurt Your Head Just a Wee Bit, Then I Have Failed in My Mission and Need to Label This Post’s Conceit a 7/10 and Add It to the List

Balls are dropping, and I don’t mean geezerly Larry King’s. There’s also a sparkly one in Times Square that’s making a slow descent.  People are drinking jaw-dropping amounts of alcohol and wearing pointy hats and acting as though hands moving on a clock can signify change, all of which sounds like my last birthday party,...

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Dear Rival Gang Leader Tom Logan:  If You Ever Try to Take Over My High School Fortress-City, I Will Lob a Molotov Cocktail at You, Which Will Be My Only Recourse Since It’s Not Like I Can Go Tell My Mom, What With That Virus Wiping Out Everyone Over the Age of 12 and All 19

Dear Rival Gang Leader Tom Logan: If You Ever Try to Take Over My High School Fortress-City, I Will Lob a Molotov Cocktail at You, Which Will Be My Only Recourse Since It’s Not Like I Can Go Tell My Mom, What With That Virus Wiping Out Everyone Over the Age of 12 and All

When I was a kid, I read this one book. Oh, all right, Sherlock Hemlock:  I read about 4,000 books. Approximately 3,800 of those reading experiences have fallen into the crevasse carved into my brain that night in college when I drank too much Jagermeister.  Fortunately, I still carry the imprint of...

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Postage-Free But Heartfelt 27

Postage-Free But Heartfelt

  Dear Inhabitants of the Interwebs, You Slimy, Three-Eyed Beasts: At this reading, may you be sipping on something mulled, wearing something fuzzy, and not hating those around you.  What’s more:  may you have protein in your belly and a carb in your heart. I offer up to you the following holiday...

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Although I Felt the Freak in Many Other Ways, There Was This Month in Seventh Grade When We Did Track in P.E. Class, and As It Turned Out, I Was Pretty Good at Standing Broad Jump and the 100-Yard Dash.  Whenever I Feel Down, I Remember Out-Jumping and Out-Running All Those Cute Little Things Who Had Boyfriends, and Suddenly I’m Humming Again, Which Indicates That My Happiness Stems from a Place of ‘In-Your-Face, Bitches’ 16

Although I Felt the Freak in Many Other Ways, There Was This Month in Seventh Grade When We Did Track in P.E. Class, and As It Turned Out, I Was Pretty Good at Standing Broad Jump and the 100-Yard Dash. Whenever I Feel Down, I Remember Out-Jumping and Out-Running All Those Cute Little Things Who Had Boyfriends, and Suddenly I’m Humming Again, Which Indicates That My Happiness Stems from a Place of ‘In-Your-Face, Bitches’

  A few weeks ago, my sister sent me a book. I think she’s making up for all those years in childhood when she insisted a “slap fight” was actually a “fun game” as she pinned me down and proved her superiority at fun games. Plus, once, she took my Bass ballet flats...

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I Promise You At Least Five Parenthetical Asides in This Post; Bonus Points If You Count More 22

I Promise You At Least Five Parenthetical Asides in This Post; Bonus Points If You Count More

  There is a fortuitous convergence at the end of the semester: Gasping for air from beneath a heap of research papers, I claw one hand out from under essays about childhood obesity, bacteria-phobia, the death of newspapers, and the upsurge in wind farms, and that hand, calloused and gnarled,...

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Recipe for a Headache 24

Recipe for a Headache

My life policy of Don’t Get Harried is inviolate. Also, I lie a lot, especially on Mondays, when zipping around and feeling always eight minutes behind is the norm, and my life policy is brutally, repeatedly violated. The policy of Don’t Get Harried is predicated by the fact that doing...

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Juicy Fruit 16

Juicy Fruit

 Scroogey McSkinTheReindeer here. It’s that time of the year again. Sumpin’ about jolly and holly. Not this grouch’s vibe. Nor is Kill The Turkeys day. In trying to put a finger on why the holidays make me want to carve a cave into the side of Wal-Mart using my bare...

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Husband as Muse 23

Husband as Muse

  A few weeks ago, I danced over to Jazz’s blog and enjoyed a welcome surprise: her post that day had been hand-written. It startled me how much I liked seeing her handwriting and not just her typing; it reminded me of the individual behind the blog; it gave me...

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Ridding the Planet of the Scourge That Is Breathing and Upright Turkeys 24

Ridding the Planet of the Scourge That Is Breathing and Upright Turkeys

Sometimes I get all ranty on my students. This happens, in particular, when they kvetch about having to take classes “that don’t have anything to do with what I’m going into”–although, were they at the keyboard, that sentiment would read more like “taht dont have any thing to with WHat...

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