O Mighty Crisis Stories

Still Negotiating with James Cameron to Direct, But Since He’s Kind of a Crusty Wanker, I’m Working a Side Deal with the Coen Brothers 27

Still Negotiating with James Cameron to Direct, But Since He’s Kind of a Crusty Wanker, I’m Working a Side Deal with the Coen Brothers

  We used to live about one hundred yards from our current home, in a house that had one bathroom, which was located on the main floor, off the kitchen. I got pregnant while we lived there. The father of the baby was my husband. Whew. At any rate, right...

If you care to share, click a square:
Kindergarten Sous Chef 20

Kindergarten Sous Chef

If I do no other good in this life, at least I have had a part in creating this one: He didn’t want to speak because the onion fumes irritated his mouth–this in addition to his eyes and nose, but he didn’t have a “gaping maw” goggle on hand. Since...

If you care to share, click a square:
Try Honoring Thy Child for Damn Once 23

Try Honoring Thy Child for Damn Once

While I like to pretend that I channel Julie Andrews as Maria Von Trapp and yodel through life as though I’m about nothing more than playclothes for the children and enjoying myself high on a hill with a lonely goat-herd, the truth is I do get irritated sometimes. Early in...

If you care to share, click a square:
I Find Myself Hard to Tolerate for Seven Whole Minutes, So You’re Not to Be Faulted for Skipping the Video and Just Going Straight to the Question; However, Skipping the Video Means You Will Not Be Hearing Styx Today–Unless You’re Humming ‘Babe, I’m Leaving/I Must Be On My Way’ As You Click Over to Another Blog 30

I Find Myself Hard to Tolerate for Seven Whole Minutes, So You’re Not to Be Faulted for Skipping the Video and Just Going Straight to the Question; However, Skipping the Video Means You Will Not Be Hearing Styx Today–Unless You’re Humming ‘Babe, I’m Leaving/I Must Be On My Way’ As You Click Over to Another Blog

  The upshot is this: I need to re-invigorate my Ipod playlist so that I am motivated to run faster than a snapping turtle whose feet are caught in a mixture of quicksand and molasses. While you ponder what kind of evil genius stirred the molasses into that quicksand and...

If you care to share, click a square:
Pas De Deux 23

Pas De Deux

  During my youth, I took ballet and modern dance lessons for 9 years from a delicate woman named Miss June. Because it was part of her job, Miss June spent those years chiding my solid self to “just tuck in your tummy as tight as you can, dear,” and...

If you care to share, click a square:
Shouldn’t I Get An ‘A’ Just for Enrolling? 20

Shouldn’t I Get An ‘A’ Just for Enrolling?

Every semester, I am asked by students–with increasing frequency as the term chugs along–if I have any extra credit activities for them. When they ask this, it’s very hard for me not to start the hollerin’. Here’s what I have discovered over the years: 1) the students who will actually...

If you care to share, click a square:
I Can Help You Birth Your Baby, But Please Don’t Ask Me to File Your Taxes 25

I Can Help You Birth Your Baby, But Please Don’t Ask Me to File Your Taxes

From the teaching life: I have had a student sit in my office and sob about how she was stuck living with her no-account boyfriend who used their money for anything but rent, who hated the fact that she’d chosen to go to college, who sabotaged her every effort to...

If you care to share, click a square:
If You Would Be Kind Enough to Ignore My Oily Skin, Greasy Hair, and Hawkish Profile 28

If You Would Be Kind Enough to Ignore My Oily Skin, Greasy Hair, and Hawkish Profile

Although last night I was on the treadmill at the Y, running like the cops were chasing me and trying to confiscate my plastic glass of watery keg beer, listening to .38 Special sing “Fantasy Girl,” the truth is I’m no longer young. In fact, recently, a very kind optometrist...

If you care to share, click a square: