O Mighty Crisis Stories

In a Fog 22

In a Fog

It was full-frontal foggy the other day. This wasn’t just film noir, dry ice kind of stuff. Nay. This was, “Holy Haunted House, but I’m holding my hand up in front of my face, and I can’t see it!” Okay, it wasn’t my actually my hand, but I was waving...

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Casting Your Vote in 2048 16

Casting Your Vote in 2048

In about forty years, if you start seeing lawn signs in your neighborhood touting “Wee Niblet for President,” I urge you to slow down your hover vehicle and take note. In Wee Niblet, you’d have a president who could work both sides of the Target Halloween clearance aisle, who could...

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Deep Tissue, Deeply Discounted 21

Deep Tissue, Deeply Discounted

I could have taken my experiences at cosmetology school and washed that cheapitude right out of my hair. Hell no. One of my greatest hallmarks is the refusal to take a lesson, even when it’s slapped onto my head and speared with swords. In the case of my follicular thriftiness,...

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Deep Conditioning, Deeply Discounted 21

Deep Conditioning, Deeply Discounted

Early on in my career as a person with hair, I stumbled across the option of the beauty college. Generally titled something like Darlene’s School of Cosmetology, such places are, theoretically, win-win for both the cosmetological students and the shallow-pocketed patrons. For nine bucks, customers can get a hair cut...

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The Wreck of the Edmund FitzJocelyn 21

The Wreck of the Edmund FitzJocelyn

I live next to the largest body of fresh water in the world in terms of surface area. Because I have a long bendy straw, and I am very good at leaning out my window, I am never thirsty. And because I am always careful to suck up my requisite...

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There’s a Kind of a Hush All Over the World Tonight 25

There’s a Kind of a Hush All Over the World Tonight

They’re out. Gone. Vamoosed. Praise the long-armed reach of absentee landlords (take that, Ireland!): the bohunk renters across the alley have been evicted. After my earlier post about these five college lads’ disruptive partying tendencies, things got worse. They hit a new high the night that Phat Boy Renter and...

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If These Photos Represent a Mere Ten Seconds of My Day, How Could I Possibly Find More Hours For Blogging? 16

If These Photos Represent a Mere Ten Seconds of My Day, How Could I Possibly Find More Hours For Blogging?

I don’t mean to post all the time about mein Wee Niblet, but, hand to heaven, he continually provides a mind-boggling amount of fodder. For example, we have a deal in the household, when the kids are due for haircuts, that they can go sit in a stylist’s chair somewhere...

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Please, Please, Please, Let Me Get What I Want: This Key 20

Please, Please, Please, Let Me Get What I Want: This Key

I wasn’t kidding. This story is a continuation of the previous one. I know you’re all, “Well, even though I didn’t read her last post, I’m not about to go back now and waste my precious time on it. No, I’m NOT. I’m just going to read this one here...

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Like Finding a Grain of Broken Rice in a Particularly-Soggy Bowl of Shredded Wheat 22

Like Finding a Grain of Broken Rice in a Particularly-Soggy Bowl of Shredded Wheat

Blissy. That’s an apt word for how I felt during my run on the Superior Hiking Trail last week. Maybe Glimmery. Possibly Elysian. Having my feet off asphalt, dodging rocks and roots, listening to the creek burbling nearby, I very nearly wanted to whip up a quick fire and cremate...

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Free Launch 24

Free Launch

At some point in my twenties, my desire to have children became incontrovertible. Uh-HUH. I wanted kids. Fo’ sho’. This certainty necessitated a messy break-up with my 46-year-old vasectomized boyfriend of six years. I’m sorry, Jack. You had not the sperm I needed. Plus, you were kind of emotionally shattered...

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