O Mighty Crisis Stories

Family Expansion 35

Family Expansion

“Family Expansion” When Groom and I met, started the love groove, and launched into the Plan Making phase of our relationship, we had the whole “So, uh, you want kids or what?” talk. Since I knew I wanted have kids, and since I was irretrievably snagged by this guy, I...

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29

“Mel Torme Is Merely A Velvet Fog Compared to Me” Move over, Bob Barker. Step aside, Tony Bennett. Outta my way, Bill Clinton. Get another job, Oprah. There’s a new Schmoozer in the business, and her name is Jaw C. Lin. Yup, I recently discovered, a bit to my surprise,...

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33

“If a Tree Falls in the Backyard, Does It Make a Sound If Only the Mail Carrier Is There to Hear It?” Now, first off, I’m not complainin’. But the skies around here have been pretty unstable lately, with words like “low pressure system” and “cold front” being bandied about...

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32

Photo: Groom strums a plaintive ballad on a balalaika my mom purchased in Russia in 1961; the ditty is entitled “I’ve Been Hauling Other People’s Boxes in 103 Degree Heat for Days, and It Sucks”“Hummels for Sale” Holy crap. And I when I type crap, I mean stuff and stuff...

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Bizarro Profession 35

Bizarro Profession

“Bizarro Profession” I am a bibliophile who wants to throttle most librarians. This, of course, keeps me in a constant and heightened state of conflict, as I rely heavily on libraries and read several books a week. I want my books. I need my books. But I don’t like most...

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Honey, I Can Tell Something’s Bugging You 32

Honey, I Can Tell Something’s Bugging You

In college, I had a friend who was gifted nostrilly. I mean, he had some seriously large nostrils. Some nights, to wow The Crowd at dinner, he would take a quarter and stick it up one of his nostrils. At this juncture, some of you are probably thinking, “Yea, big...

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If You Pay More For Everything, Then Life Is Better, Right? 39

If You Pay More For Everything, Then Life Is Better, Right?

“If You Pay More For Everything, Then Life Is Better, Right?” Every town has its unique features–those little lifestyle elements that contribute to the feeling of the place. Such features are often taken for granted by longtime residents, but, man-o-man, are they noticed by the newbies and visitors. For example,...

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22

“Dharma Bums” GAAACK. I’m a human shoe tongue. Leathery. Dessicated. In need of a good tug to straighten out my wrinkles. For the love of high heat indexes and mind-altering altitude, could someone just pass me some moisturizer? And then, so long as you’re in motion, dump a 64-ounce Slurpee...

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Time After Time 27

Time After Time

I’m currently the bologna in a Colorado sandwich. I’m aware makes no sense, so don’t scrutinize it too closely. Cutting through my nonsense, what I’m saying is that I’m currently in Minnesota, having recently come back from a kamikaze weekend in Colorado. And tomorrow, the family and I are taking...

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41

“If You Get My Drift” As a teacher of writing, my life is full of unexpected chortles; sometimes, I get to chortle when students with visible thongs and bra straps complain about not being taken seriously. Other times, I get to chortle because students write crap without thinking about what...

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