O Mighty Crisis Stories

Crumbs and Poo: Making Martha Stewart Roll Over in Her Banana Bourbon Layer Cake 26

Crumbs and Poo: Making Martha Stewart Roll Over in Her Banana Bourbon Layer Cake

“Crumbs and Poo: Making Martha Stewart Roll Over in Her Banana Bourbon Layer Cake” (This is my attempt at heart-shaped red Snickerdoodles for a kids’ neighborhood party: not so lovely. But excellent baked goods would be wasted on a crowd who thinks Blues Clues is high art, so I worry...

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Does This Donut Make My Butt Look Big? 28

Does This Donut Make My Butt Look Big?

“Does This Donut Make My Butt Look Big?” Women are weird about their bodies. And by this, I mean about each other’s bodies even more than their own. Certainly, every woman I know has a hearty dose of bodily self-loathing: “My belly shakes when the wind blows.” “This arm wattle?...

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Despite the Vomit, Why We Don’t Send the Lad to Be Fostered at the Nearest Castle 19

Despite the Vomit, Why We Don’t Send the Lad to Be Fostered at the Nearest Castle

“Despite the Vomit, Why We Don’t Send the Lad to Be Fostered at the Nearest Castle” He could end up a page to some dashing knight if we did, you know. And he’d learn the ins and outs of keeping chain mail rust free, which is a skill I’d like...

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Meme-ries 28

Meme-ries

“Meme-ries” Dorky Dad did it. I’m pointing a finger, and it’s not my pointer finger. At any rate, I jump here, in this post, fully into the life and times of Blogville. Make me mayor for a day, woncha? City keys and all? So, yes, I’ve been tagged with a...

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Vomithounds: You Better Be Good, or You’ll Be Gone 26

Vomithounds: You Better Be Good, or You’ll Be Gone

“Vomithounds: You Better Be Good, or You’ll Be Gone” (methinks this gel has a vomit habit)* Earlier this week, Girl was suffering from an undiagnosed Fever ‘N Ague. We knew she had a high temperature. We could see her glassy eyes and flushed cheeks from our vantage point across the...

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I’m Only A Paper Loon 23

I’m Only A Paper Loon

“I’m Only a Paper Loon” Most days, I don’t think enough. I just kind of put the car in drive and let it take me places. Or if I’m in the kitchen, and I see a Cheerio on the floor, I instinctively bend to pick it up. Sometimes I eat...

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Bite Me 23

Bite Me

“Bite Me” This much is a given: I need to lower my body into a large vat of rubbing alchohol and remain suspended there for some minutes. What has not yet been decided are the logistics of the lowering. Obviously, I need some sort of harness, right? And while I...

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Ah, Sweet Relief 21

Ah, Sweet Relief

“Ah, Sweet Relief” About six years ago, my dad was staying with us for a week. After a few days, I saw a post-it note stuck to the front of a book he was reading. Naturally, because I am governed by a set of conveniently-flexible boundaries, I went right over...

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Stop Trying to Chop Off Your Sister’s Head with Your New Toy Axe While She’s Vomiting onto the Floor of the Shuttle 18

Stop Trying to Chop Off Your Sister’s Head with Your New Toy Axe While She’s Vomiting onto the Floor of the Shuttle

So we did it. Guatemala hosted us well and remains intact, despite our tear across its kidneys. All in all, I’d say we had a near-perfect two weeks there, particularly considering our respective ages, the ever-present noise of cars, birds, firecrackers, and drunken revellers, and the kids’ certainty that they...

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More Centrally American 11

More Centrally American

“More Centrally American” This may be my last post for a couple of weeks, for Groom and I, some months back, bolstered by a few shots of whiskey slammed down during a State of the Union address (by the end, we were channeling David Byrne, chopping on our arms, and...

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